avoiding the inevitable

4 Dec 2009

I have this terrible habit where I obsess about the strangest scenarios & then worry what I'd do if they actually occured. In the instant that they turn out to become a frightening reality, I then wonder what kind od reaction I'll have to this & then stress about not being prepared enough for said moment :/

It's really silly & I suppose a talk from reality itself would cure me from conjuring wild scenarios but I actually think I enjoy scaring myself with these mental thoughts. It's a vicious circle I suppose I will not get out of it unless I really want to & when boredom/procrastination hits, it's the best game I have on my hands.

I overthink things, that's the stem of the problem. Say I make a new friend, I'll already have thought of disagreeing with them [because I always disagree with people], then I'd play out an argument which would be of such a grand proportion that we'd break up, for so many months there'd be silence & awkward moments where one of us would text the other but there'd be no reply, similarly, a time would come where we would have forgotten what the original argument was about and then a brave first step towards reconciliation would be made [not by me though, I just always think of it too late] & then friendship would be restored. Drama would occur between us both & all would be right once a few chats about my difficult personality & their sensitivity is discussed & silently mocked by the opposite party. Of course, none of this really happens [75% of the time,anyways] but it's super super fun imagining it all. So much so that often enough I'll have thought so far ahead about this that I will be confused when that friend is so normal with me. In my head I'll think, 'Haven't we argued?' it's strange but I've managed to compartmentalise those thoughts of delusional arguments.

I understand this really does place some interesting questions about my sanity & state of mental capacity for distinguishing between reality & fantasy, but being normal is overrated so I really don't care.

cake

25 Nov 2009





Lately, I've been scouring the interwebz for pretty pictures of cakes, I don't really know why since last weekend me& my sister attempted to make rainbow cupcakes& only after eating one- I felt sick, but I suppose they're just pretty to look at.

We made the rainbow one following instructions off a video from youtube but our blue was too light & the other colours looked hideous so we ended up with pink& white cupcakes- they were super cute& yummy so that made up for the lack of rainbow in our cakes.

rights wronged

17 Nov 2009

Broken shards
Uneasy hearts
Flickering lights
Loud fights
Silence prolonged
Rights wronged
Bruising pain
Again & again


life story

15 Nov 2009

blues

9 Nov 2009

I don't really know why I'm bothering to blog, I have so many little niggling worries jumbled up in my brain, I suppose just writing them out will calm me down& realise I can deal with them once I have definitely figured out what they are EXACTLY.

Had guests round, the type where mum wakes up at a ridiculous hour in the morning to marinate the chicken& prepare 58473 dishes.

Went to uni &realised that I have a 2000 word essay plan to hand in this Wednesday which will be unmarked& totally uncalled for- why oh why do they insist on such assignments if they're only going to end up being binned once theyre written?!!

Froze my butt off walking to& fro uni& work in this freezing cold >.<

I have another 14,000 words to write until the 7th of December

My mobile fone refuses to work, I can't get it to switch on& I need to ring to cancel my sewing lesson tomorrow

I have to ring my work experience people at 10am& I have no mobile as of now & I probably won't even be near a fone seeing as I'm planning to hibernate at Uni for my assignments

My student finance form is still not sent off& so no money :(


Arghhhhhhh.



Good news is in a month I'll be outta gloomy England.
it's just a matter of making it alive til then.

true/false

2 Nov 2009

I am a cuddler: false
I am a morning person: false.
I am a perfectionist: false to a certain extent
I am an only child: false
I am Catholic: false
I am currently in my PJs: false
I am currently pregnant: false
I am currently single: true
I am currently suffering from a broken heart: i'm always pining over something or the other
I am left handed: true
I am married: false
I am addicted to myspace: false
I'm shy around the opposite sex: more false than true
I currently regret something I have done: true
When I get mad I curse: false, i curse when i shouldn't
I don't like anyone: falso
I enjoy country music: false
I enjoy Jazz: false
I have a car: false- but i wish i did
I have a cell phone: true
I have a pet: false
I have at least one brother or sister: true
I have been to another country: true
I have been told that I'm smart: true
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: true
I have had a broken bone: false
I have caller ID on my phone: true
I have changed a lot over the past year: i think so- true
I have had surgery: true
I have killed another person: false
I have had my hair cut within the last week: false
I have had the cops called on me: false
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't: true
I have mood swings: only when it's my time of the month
I have watched Sex and the City: false
I have seen the Lord of the Rings: true
I like Shakespeare: to a certain extent
I love to cook: true &only when it's only me in the kitchen
I love Michael Jackson: false
I love sleeping: true
I love to shop: true
I miss someone right now: true
I own & use a library card: true
I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream: false
I read books for pleasure in my spare time: true
I sleep a lot during the day: true
I strongly dislike math: false
I think Britney Spears is pretty: i have no opinion regarding her
I was born in a country other than the US: true
I watch Soap Operas on a regular basis: false
I will try almost anything once: true
I would classify myself as ghetto: false
I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White: dopey/happy/sleepy/sneezy/grumpy--um.false?
I am currently wearing socks: false, i hate socks!
I am tired: a little
I watched a movie last night: true


eternal sunshine

1 Nov 2009

[Mary reads to Dr. Mierzwiak out of "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations"; the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"]
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.


/Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind