rainy dreams

I've had this window opened with the blank, white page out in front of me. I keep switching tabs from tumblr to my google reader only to avoid writing a blog post for today. All day, I've been composing sentences so i can write a post when i get some time and now that I'm in the study with the laptop, my brain is frozen and my fingers are refusing to type coherent words onto the page. I think now I've started I won't let myself wander aimlessly online.

I woke up reliving the most vivid dream I've had in a really long time. I usually flit between sequences of occurrences and random images in my dreams, faces and movements just float by and I wake up slightly disorientated on most mornings, but today's dream was mind blowing. the remnants of my dream kept flashing in my thoughts all throughout the day, I really had to get it down someplace where I'd look back and try to make some amateur interpretation of it.

I'm in a huge compound, it looks like a university or massive business corporation site where the buildings are grey and impressive.Grey slabs line the floor and abstract statues are scattered across the grounds, there's so little greenery or not any of it at all, I'm wondering around and I see people on their own routes to places I've not been to. I'm alone, I'm sure of that but I can see/sense people in a white van. Inside it are an assortment of people from my past&present, my best friend and her husband who's driving are sitting at the front. I just know that they're on the road to look for me, in the passenger seats are old room mates from 2004 and little cousins from up North. This strange combination of people does not really bother me and I don't question or frown at why they're even together in the van, no, what really puts me at unease is the caged space behind them. Steel bars separate the passengers and this large space which I instinctively know is for me to be imprisoned in.

I'm walking aimlessly on the grounds of this vast space when it just starts to rain. Torrents of raindrops splash and everyone's running inside for shelter, but not me. I stretch my arms forward and walk around, dazzled and amused by the rain. I let the droplets drench my clothes and with outstretched hands I catch the raindrops. I'm so happy and free, the rain continues to fall and in this dazed state I hear shouts of people calling me. I turn around and it's the passengers from the van running towards me.

Their faces are alarmed and concerned, I feel so unbothered at their shouts that i simply ignore them. They rush quickly towards me and take me to the van. I know that they're going to put me in that space behind the bars but I don't fight them, I just let them lead me and curl inside, the bars slam down and I see their faces fearful behind the steel bars. I'm confused but so tired that i don't even question anything, I just sleep.

In my sleep [in my dream] I dream that I'm reliving the rain, it's splashing and trickling onto my bare skin underneath my clothes. I feel so exhilarated at the feeling that nothing seems to matter anymore, I awake and see everyone's faces expectantly waiting. I tug at the bars as if to will them to be opened, my best friend turns around from the front seat and opens them. She smiles but says nothing, I just look at her and she moves from her seat to be seated next to me. She pulls me closer into an embrace and I fall asleep half leaning, half hugging her. While I'm there next to her, I can almost taste the fear which colours the faces in the van, there's a connection between me and the rain, it's almost as though I'm responsible for this torrential rain.

Somehow I wake from all this, when I got out of bed to wash away the sleepiness from my face I stepped infront of the window and saw that the skies had opened and it was raining.

culinary skills&sacrifices

The morning was lost in slumber, I awoke at 2pm with my mum's yells resounding in my ears. I usually sleep loads in Ramadhan so this is nothing new, lack of food is simply replaced by an abundance of sleep. The day started slowly since I'm nearly always dizzy when I've woken up from too many hours of lying horizontally, standing seems like a challenge so I waited for the bathroom on the steps in the passage way.

Ramadhan is a time of self control &sacrifice, both of which leaves me in a predicament as I'm reluctant to let things go willingly. I suppose even sleeping in is a means of avoiding the loss of my sacrificial lambs. I think I'm constantly tested during this time &I realise how much I'm heavily influenced by wrongs. The fact that the devil is shackled away only means that I'm imprinted with these actions regardless of the absent whisperings I can place blame in the other eleven months of the year.

Today has been blurry and slightly unfocused in terms of praying& being productive with my time. I started cooking pretty late which resulted to heavy critique to the chicken dish& my pie slightly less tasty. You learn from these hasty mistakes & can only hope for tomorrow to be a better day. Each time I cook &gain few brownie points in my culinary skills, I trip &lose a few the next time thinking I've already become a pro at mastering the art of Asian cuisine. Nevertheless, I have improved a little and this month should prove to be helpful as I'm in delegated to preparing the Iftari food every day.

Although today is only the first day of the month, I've already seen a little peek of what's in store. Judging from my weakness towards the end of the 16 hour fast, I think I'll be eating a bit more when we're up at the crack of dawn &try not to let my day waste away.

Here's to hoping.

ramadhan 09

Ramadhan Mubarak to you all!

I leave you with two pieces of ahadith which bear better advice than I can ever offer:

The most beloved actions in the sight of Allah are the regular ones, even if they amount to little in quantity

(Bukhari, Muslim)

For everything there is eagerness, and for every eagerness there is a weakening (Tirmidhi)

Remember me&my family in your prayers.

19:34

Every day is starting to feel the exact same to me, I wake up at a relatively consistent time of 11am, make myself presentable for my parents and go downstairs. Breakfast eaten and chores completed, I trudge to work. I feel so monotonous and nothing seems to interest me for long. Any bright new event is simply marred by the fact that by tomorrow I'll be reliving the same automatic routine again & again.

I don't feel upset or even the least bit angry at how my life is going, at the moment I'm just glad I haven't got the depressed tones I hear from my friends of being bored as they have nothing to do, I have a job which can be mildly amusing & enough chores to keep me on my feet. I wouldn't dare to tempt fate by saying I have nothing to fill my time with-it would be lying anyways since my mum always conjures housework from empty atoms. Clothes always need ironing or washing, the rooms never cease to be in dire need of a vacuum and bathrooms can never be scrubbed enough. I am content, I repeat it to instill its truth within me.

G.I JOE

Snake Eyes from G.I JOE.

It's action packed and brilliantly cliched, watch it with someone whose company you love.

x

aliveeeee 2009

Theme parks:

• the whoosh of high speed rides,
• the clanging of metal wheels on metal tracks,
• high pitched screams,
• exhiliarated adrenaline,
• butterflies swooping in your stomach.

Sports cars:

• sliding back and fro on leather seats
• flickering houses pass you by
• sweet sound of engine roaring below
• excitement at the crazed rush you feel
• anticipated luxury and movement

Arguments:

• contradictory statements spewed over
• heated, flushed skin
• mind whirrs and whizzes instant comebacks
• angry sparks electrify the room's tension
• animated hand gestures

Yeah, the summer's good.