drinking raindrops

what are we talking about

2011-12-29T16:10:00.001Z

review #001

2011-12-21T00:23:00.001Z

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Pg 78
I'm finding it extremely difficult to get into, it's still introducing the characters & exploring their background stories; very dull & dreary right now. Since I've seen the film, I feel like the only spoiler left now is the language Larsson uses,& so far, I'm a little unimpressed right now. I'm hoping the novel improves, it's darn heavy so lugging the book back & forth on my daily commute is exhausting.
Pg 263
For a novel entitled The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo we hardly follow Salander's journey throughout the course of the story's development. The narrator uses lazy devices such as a quick background check or a mere musing made by Salander of her past escapades with the law & institutional people. It should have been entitled "Vanger's Obsession" or something related to the Blomkvist angle of the novel.
The book is becoming tiresome but I'm relentlessly pushing through. I suppose it's my own perverse way of hoping that it'll improve. I am liking the manner it is written though, maybe the translation from Swedish to English has made it become void of emotion in it's narrative style, or it's simply the way Larsson intended it for the story to be read. It definitely is gripping without being too emotionally overbearing, it's simplistic but not pretentiously so.
Pg 307
Even Lisbeth Salandar cannot resist the wily charms of Blomskvist. I'm sorely disappointed that she has succumbed to dreamily recalling their first encounter. It's a little out of character, the persona Larsson consistently reminds us of: a slender woman dressed in all black with an attitude of a sociopath & a mind of a brilliant hacker-genius is easily flustered by a womaniser. It's so overdone, the two protagonists inevitably collide with their hearts predictably meshing in a ball of literary cliche. Ugh.
Pg 379
Salandar runs away when told she has photographic memory, yup, a typical response. Even after 300 odd pages, I still can't warm to Lisbeth's character. She is cold in social situations when unnecessary & passionate at the most cliched of moments. Her personality jumps from being aloof to obsessively involved, so confusing &full of angst. I do want to know more about her institutionalised mother & absent sister, kudos to Larsson for creating that enigmatic aspect of Salandar's persona.
Harriet's mystery is becoming incredibly dull, the Biblical tone of the novel seems to drag on & even though Blomkvist's chances of solving the murder / disappearance are becoming more likely, I've lost interest in this main storyline. There needs to be a subtle way of finding an answer rather than a quick glimpse & a rapid response to every clue he finds conveniently at his disposal.
Pg 460
In the face of evil & misogyny, the cowards flee. Larsson has cleverly manipulated the novel to fit his prime purpose of exposing how a misogynist society heavily impacts the narrative in both the media & in social circles. Im glad Salander fell for Blomkvist, at least she was able to place a rational perspective to the happenings in the Vanger clan.
Harriet is truly a coward, the disgusting crimes committed against her are horrific & truly tear jerking but she allowed her brother to continue, undisturbed. She was almost giving him a free reign by being silent about her victimisation, what was she thinking would happen once she ran away? Martin would come to his senses & quit his homicidal behaviour? I agree with Salander's comment about how wrong it was for Harriet to make a conscious decision to remain silent.
Pg 472
The novel has picked up it's pace at a fantastic speed. It's almost impossible to put it down now. I want more of Salander's hacking stories & less of Vanger's duplicity & pathetic fallacies. Larsson, next novel should be only hacker stories & Salander being more forthcoming about her past. Thank you.
Pg 492
An epistemological approach to the story reveals little about the novel Blomkvist is writing. The plot twists into itself & returns to the opening chapters about Blomkvist's exile from the journalist world. He had been forced out of writing for libel he had allegedly committed against a massive corporation & sentenced to three months in prison. Now that Vanger's job was complete, Salander gave the necessary ammunition needed for Blomkvist to return to his original investigation of Wennerstrom & his shady dealings.
Pg 504
Walpurgis Night- 30th April /Salander's birthday
Pg 533
The book ends on a poignantly sad note, the story is quickly tied up with the financial world in an uneasy compromise with the media blast about Wennerstrom's dealings.
Salander methodically works through the finances & tries the correct the wrongs of the Wennerstrom's dealings, she moves his money away from his control & pay off the people he had once wronged. This part of the novel reminds me of Mr Ripley & how he uses wigs& makeup to live a life he fantasised about, Salander is dispassionate in comparison but just as focused & motivated to get the job done.
The novel ends almost too neatly, Blomkvist is happily successful & Vanger's family secret is safe from the prying eyes of judging people. Only Salander is left heart broken with the realisation that she too is only human, vulnerable to the sting of jealousy & pain of loneliness.

tomorrow

2011-12-15T17:14:00.002Z

I'm sorta dreading tomorrow, the worst thing about teaching is actually dealing with the parents & reminding them that the combination of their genetics & the DNA of their spouse produced a vaguely crappy version of themselves. It's horrid being the one to deliver such news, it really is.

muse

2011-12-13T11:20:00.003Z

It's never easy being creative on demand, if a command to write was issued, then an inspirational muse would have to be attached to such an order. It's incredibly exhausting when people expect a project to be complete with so little input from the opposite party. At work, it's a constant influx of messages telling us to be more creative, more dynamic & enthusiastic. It's almost as though the sporadic bursts of brilliance need to be on a regular tap for the higher-ups to be pleased. I for one simply work in short spurts, I will have a moment where all my fantastic ideas will bounce in my brain, probably at some ungodly hour of 2am,& then that will be all for the entire week. I've taken to keeping a notebook beside my bed, whenever the inspiration hits me, often awakens me, I am prepared for this fleeting blessing. I am ready with my pen poised& the words tumble, almost anxious to be written & implemented.

As challenging as it may be, I am grateful that I have no muse. I wouldn't want to rely on a single body for creativity, I am happy waiting for passing seconds to bring me a spark of motivation & originality.

saving & spending

2011-12-07T13:40:00.003Z

I've never been great with finances, I've spent money over frivolous things; never caring whether this is an item I truly require, or if it's just another pointless thing I'm cramming into my wardrobes. After a conversation with a co-worker, I realised that I do need to strategise my spending habits if I ever want to pay off my student loans & be able to say I have a little nest tucked away for that 'rainy day'.

Where better to strategise than on a free period during my work hours?! I think the main thing is understanding my own weaknesses when it comes to shopping& then move forwards with my saving plan. Once I have established that I do need to quit certain routines then I will be able to make some sort of scheme I can live by. Of course, identifying my own flaws isn't going to be an easy feat, self-evaluation is the worst when it's imposed by yourself.

weaknesses:

online shopping- if I find myself bored / demotivated by the hours at work with the lack of retail therapy.
window lust- if I see something, I'll have to have it
lack of self control- this is underlining with a bold highlighter scrawled on top, it's terrible how little care I have for my purse's strings.

anti-social socialisation

2011-11-10T21:27:00.004Z

Recently I was invited to a close friend's wedding, I hadn't been to an elaborate affair as such in a fairly long time so I was really enjoying the atmosphere & general festive mood. In the midst of crying toddlers, unpleasant camera flashing & loud hubbub of the hall, I saw a strange sight: young girls texting on their smartphones. They were sitting around a serving table, elbows up with a smartphone in both hands, fingers rapidly tapping on a horizontal touch screen. They would occasionally smile at some unknown message lighting up their phone, eyes would furtively flicker upwards seeking out any unwanted glimpses. I suppose this is the new generation, the tomorrow we have anticipated. Instead of inquisitive children asking about the unfamiliar, they are the all-knowing jaded Future with Google at their fingertips & a handy piece of plastic informing them of yesterday's colourless world.

Maybe I am simply old-fashioned & I cannot appreciate the inexplicable beauty of technology being so advanced. Young children are effortlessly able to navigate through the shores of information with the aid of a smartphone connected to free WiFi. This is a great feat for scientists & corporations, yet a step backwards in the ability to socialise with one's surroundings in a respectful manner. In a place where people are expected to mingle, make conversation & enjoy the company of friends / family, we are now burying our noses in our gadgets so we can absorb copious webpages of information, or message a contact from a different city. We are conversing, but just not with the people in our immediate proximity. Dialogue is shared, sentiments are expressed but the realness of our emotions is lost as it travels through the air.

We are as sociable as ever, sure, being in contact with someone has never been simpler. People are more accessible than we have ever been. The distance of a tangible letter has been diminished to a text message which can be read within seconds, correspondence can be carried in various ways: social networking websites have only made us more careless of the recipient of our intended message. It is the empathy that has lost its' value, the true satisfaction of gathering at a joyous occasion that has failed to keep the young elated & captivated. There is little conversation at tables where strangers meet, smartphones have created an escape so awkwardness can easily be avoided.

In a world where we seem to be constantly moving forward with vast amounts of information being presented to us, we have lost our ability to seek out profound & meaningful knowledge through the dynamic of conversation.

blame culture

2011-10-25T23:59:00.002+01:00

In a society where statistics make reasoning for governmental irresponsibility & violent video games are labelled as the stimulation for teenagers' anti social behaviour, we really are a society who loves to blame everyone / thing other than ourselves.
Finger pointing is now a rationale basis for removing any agency from negative aspects of our society. Riots can be seen as an antecedent of terrible rap lyrics or simple boredom. A decline in employment is a consequence of laziness in youth, the country's crime rate is so obviously a result of social deprivation. Responsibilty is easily forgotten when you are constantly looking outside, removing yourself from the equation makes it less personal, less accountable & definitely not guilty for the madness happening around you.

influx of messages

2011-10-17T22:03:00.003+01:00

I've been so off-radar both online & offline that I have realised that a little absence in both spheres can do anyone the world of good. It's almost like a breath of fresh air when you're keeping your phone on meeting mode & all social networking sites deactivated. It's also been a real test of my own value in the eyes of my 'friends', the inverted commas are inevitable as people disappoint, hurt & fade away as contact is decreased to complete silence. Can't say I don't feel an emotion of disdain, even if it is quite fleeting as the days are passing into cold nights.

Life is the greatest teacher, I often wish &earnestly pray for the oddest things only to be proven wrong by the strangest of incidents. I was having an off moment with my entire career choice, I suppose the rowdy kids & my own disorganised manner made me rethink my off-hand decisions I have made in the past. As the flurry of thoughts were occupying my seemingly confused mind, I attended a seminar of some sort, one where attendance was optional &a motley crew of people popped by for conversation & a networking opportunity. Conversation was stilted but I managed to meet an experienced guy of 40+ who started telling me his life story of jumping from one job to another, his series of incredibly irresponsible decisions made me realise that I am overthinking & overanalysing every little thing, again.

lucid

2011-09-29T15:39:00.003+01:00

I can't help but believe that my mind's response to stressful thoughts &anxieties is to manifest their solutions within my dreams, the strangest answer to my most troublesome question will crop up behind my eyelids when I am asleep. Case in point has to be the single most irksome worry I constantly carry: have I prepared enough for my lessons for the next day. I am a newly qualified teacher at a relatively relaxed establishment, the people are understanding & I feel truly valued here [yes, I am typing this on my free lesson at work!]. I often waltz in with copious amounts of worksheets needing rushed photocopies, or simply forget a vital file at home without knowing what to do for back up but the easy going atmosphere here allows me to tackle these tiresome problems easily, I am supported by my faculty members with nearly everything. I say these things to emphasise how lovely these people are, yet I still have a niggling worry at the back of my mind stressing me out, pulsating & vibrating endless questions of last-minute worry every moment I am away from the classroom setting.
My sleep patterns have predictably changed, the 2am bedtimes have altered to 10:30 yawns leading on to a regular 11pm shut-eye. I sleep more than I ever have done &it is fantastic if I wasn't having the most lucid dreams keeping me occupied in those hours of sleep. My dreams feel so real, they're incredibly sharp &so aligned with my conscience that it leaves me amazed at my capacity to envision such marvels.

freshhh starts

2011-09-03T18:01:00.002+01:00

I can blame lack of inspiration for my absense from writing but it seems like an easy option for excusing myself, I won't really apologise for not writing in a space I've reserved for mindless chatter; I doubt there is any need for that anyway. I do miss typing words in this vast space of nothingness &not having to worry about it being assessed / misconstrued, it feels like a luxury I don't deserve. Words & odd phrases come to be sporadically with little care for my inability to rush to a computer& type them out, I suppose they are inconsiderate pesky things, these bursts of creativity have such rubbish timing.

Life has been so kind to me, almost forgiving in its own sweet sense, what I thought was cruel &heartless moulded itself into a gift of compassion. Riddles are coming easily on my tongue &flowing seamlessly from my fingers onto this rusty keyboard we've crudely attached to the broken laptop, I have to admit it's effortlessly rustic &romantic. Fresh beginnings are granted &I shan't be ungrateful for the path I am treading upon. Yes, the footsteps seem haphazard& my tread is gentle for the route isn't mapped out on any navigation system known to man, I will let each moment count, I will try.

question / answer

2011-07-30T20:31:00.003+01:00

Apple juice or orange juice?

orange juice

Are you a morning or night person?

night person

Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?

salty foods

Ninjas or pirates?

pirates

Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.

pirates seem to have lots more fun

Autobots or Decepticons?

Decipticons: the dark side always has more fun

What was your favorite childhood television program?

mona the vampire

Are you a collector of anything?

letters, clutch bags & vintage jewellery

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

white dove

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

invisibility

What is usually your first thought when you wake up?

what time is it? / I'm late!

What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?

have I shut the back door?[I'm a worrier "/ ]

What's your favorite color?

purple

What's your favorite animal?

tigers

Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?

yup

Do you believe in ghosts?

Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?

yup, tekken3 & sims

You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?

live on an island with all my loved ones

Have any bad habits?

bite my skin on my fingers "/

Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?

cracking knuckles, chewing loudly & disappointing me

List 3 of your best personality traits:

loyalty, fun-loving & trustworthy

List 3 of your worst personality traits:

always late, easily annoyed & frank

Have any celebrity crushes?

not really

List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:

inability to stay focused for long

Any tattoos or piercings?

no / 6

What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?

eyes

What personality traits do you look for in a partner?

humorous, able to carry a conversation for a long time & confident

What personality traits do you dislike in other people?

insecurity & disloyalty

Are you mostly a clean or messy person?

mostly messy, but obsessively clean when I'm bored

Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?

yup

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

some place where it snows majority of the time

If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Japan

List 5 goals on your life's to-do list:

1- Be happy

2- Have a big family

3- Pay off my uni debt

4- Live abroad for a year

5- Buy my parents anything they want

Name 1 regret you have:

ever creating a facebook page

Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:

not knowing the pain of disappointment

Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:

being legally allowed to do [almost] anything

What's your favorite song of the moment?

Lupe Fiasco: The Show Goes On

What's your favorite song of all time?

Morgan Page: The Longest Road

What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?

eat too much chocolate & watch comedy

What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?

eat breakfast with my family

Have any hidden talents?

my cooking!

You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?

pasta with milkshake

What would be your dream job?

teach in a college / university

Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?

true love a million times over

If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?

1- my parents live longer than I do

2- my family & friends have happiness in both worlds

3- I marry true love

Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?

nope, happy as I am

Name 1 thing not many people know about you:

I am really judgmental, one little thing can put me off, forever

If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?

hayaa

Do you believe in the afterlife?

yes

letters #2

2011-07-12T22:29:00.001+01:00

Dear Life,

You are honest, brutal & often cruel but you show me how I am always to be held accountable for my choices. You have been my teacher & I shall always try to be respectful of how much I value you.

Dear Education,

I have taken you for granted, I have finally come to realise how fortunate I am to have you. You were my ticket to knowledge, my guide to humanity & my friend when I needed direction. I cannot thank you enough, without you I would not be able to read, write, spell, count, divide, subtract, evaluate, apply or rationalise. You defined my childhood & my character today.

Dear Experience,

What the classroom had overlooked you had filled the missing pieces to the jigsaw puzzle of my knowledge. It was you who shared the bitter taste of betrayal, the scalding burn of jealousy, the flush felt from a compliment, the rush of adrenaline from winning & the beauty of age. You held my hand & took me through the journey of loss, pain & changes. It was with your guidance I learnt how to walk after tripping, I thank you for being my saviour.

Dear Regret,

Though you taste so bittersweet in my mouth, I appreciate the lingering zest you left behind on my tongue. The sharp pungent smell you leave in your wake reminds me to be wary of my future actions. You exemplify my mistakes, you highlight my weaknesses & teach me so much about myself. You scar me with your arrival, but strengthen me with your slow departure. I learnt from you& hope to always remember your reasons for entering my life.

Dear Death,

You're patiently watching my fumbled attempts at making my moments carry meaning & value. The wait is unbearable, the trepidation creeps up behind me when I often think of you. I have witnessed your work & cried at the destruction once you have left with a loved one. Please be patient with my family, have some mercy on me. When I meet you, I hope to be ready & happy to make your acquaintance. You taught me to be cautious, you remind me of the fragility of human souls& deride us on our false notions of power & immortality.

clawing out of the abyss

2011-05-23T20:09:00.002+01:00

Is there anything more dismal than a young mind wasting away on the shore of desperation? He questions himself over and over again, 'Is there anything more dismal than this?' The stillness envelops his shivering silhouette, there is no reply to meet his unwavering gaze. Now all that follows is the crashing waves & eerie rustle of the trees, the words have fallen on deaf ears.

He has been sitting for past 45 minutes, questioning his very existence &the nature of the terror that awaits him. Home is no longer synonymous with sanctuary, chaos has shaken the very core of normality. No place feels as wretched as the world that now shuns him away, people who once smiled with creased eyes quickly look away, unable to meet his gaze. The wasted years spent in old basements, chain-smoking and listening to unpublished stories seems distant & foreign, these memories don't seem real anymore.

I can only tell you his story, empathy & reality are often meshed with confused retelling. I have no ties to this man, I only owe him this, his story to be told in the most honest way I can.

burnt bridges

2011-05-15T23:00:00.002+01:00

I'm riding a wave of deja vu as I'm sat here writing this post, I feel as though I've already expressed these thoughts to close friend & now I'm simply typing the very same words on to this white box. It's strange because I know I haven't said these words out loud, they're just incredibly familiar to me that it's become a memory I've not even had.

The title of this post is a statement I've voiced about so many friendships I've destroyed, maimed, broken & discarded in the past year. I make excuses for my behaviour, I rationalise the reasoning behind the meaningful texts messages I ignore. I'm not proud of my actions, I do feel remorse, but I feel that that's all I can ever do about these situations. Without any definite action or conversation, I am guilty of burning bridges I spent weeks, months & years building. The blame is undoubtedly mine, I just wish I knew why I did these things so often.

Selfishness, boredom, new friends & general happenings are a few of the reasons I make for being so self-destructive.

'Oh no'

2011-03-27T21:54:00.000+01:00

"Oh no," I silently prayed, "please not her."I shuddered inwardly, my insides shivering and recoiling at the evil doppelganger in front of me. I quickly glanced around at my fellow passengers, their faces blankly oblivious and not one looked at me strangely, I sighed. I was alone in this predicament yet united in this experience with just about every single human being.

My situation was not an unusual one, every breathing soul past the age of puberty would one day face his or her evil half. The shedding of the innocence and initiation into adulthood brought the 'Other' as the mergence of the ultimate 'bad' in every human. No human escaped unscathed from their inherently evil half, though separated at birth and brought into reality at puberty, the ultimate struggle between good and evil was a battle each individual fought tirelessly through adulthood. I had seen my doppelganger before, often in small random moments of coincidental bumping. I would double check to see if I had really seen her and be faced with emptiness. Never before had I been in such close proximity of her nor in an enclosed space where conversation and eye contact were difficult to avoid.

I had so many questions for her, I knew so little about these doppelgangers and she was an ocean of answers for my troubling queries. As though she read my thoughts, she glanced upwards and caught my wandering gaze, ‘Yes, I do have answers for you,’ I nodded silently, ‘But everything has a price,’ I shuddered at her bland statement. Ignorance and curiosity are dangerous combinations and so I replied, ‘Oh sure, I know that.’ I motioned for her to sit next to me by moving my folders and hand all, she sidled up and folded her legs.

‘We’re commonly knows as your evil half, or more often enough the 'Other',’ she started quietly. I kept my gaze forward simply pondering on this notion of ‘evil’ and how my actions were not always deemed as good. I wondered whether I was capable of evil on my own without any external aid. I said nothing and just waited for her to continue. ‘As you’re probably aware, we usually appear shortly after puberty.’ My mind flashed to the sporadic glimpses I had of her in my early years at secondary school, my confusion at her appearance dithered with the more frequent visits I had from her as I grew older. ‘I’m actually a part of your soul, an imprint of your entire character but one composed of pure evil.’ Her voice lifted and cracked a little as she spoke in full gusto, my thoughts whirred frantically, how could she be a part of me? Was I incomplete without her or was this simply her reasoning for our identical looks and mannerisms?

Her voice raised a notch and she spoke again, ‘We’re the spawn of the devil born out of spite, a curse to the children of God's goodness. Each individual dealt with our monstrosity differently, Ghandi, Martin Luther King kept their Others at bay, they fought the evilness and tamed the Other firmly, they refused to give in to the dark side.’ I wondered whether I was cut from the same cloth as these great pioneers of human advancement in humanity and kindness. I guffawed childishly, yeah right, I chided to myself, flashbacks of selfish actions replayed in my head. I shook these away trying to concentrate on her words which were slowly building up speed. ‘Criminals and hardened gangsters, those on the lower echelons of the society's conscience were slaves of their Other, they ceased fighting the evilness of their souls and just drowned in wrong doings.’ Here she glanced at me and smiled, ‘The entirety of evil actions consumed them and thus they lost any trace of the inherent goodness each individual is born in possession of. The ones in between, like any average person on the street was an epitome of a soldier in combat with the deadliest enemy- the self.’

I reflected on what she said, the spawn of the devil roamed the earth, each one assigned to every adult alive, the curse of the ancestors continued and today was my fateful encounter with the Other dedicated to corrupting and invading my well being. As I pondered on these facts, I looked at the Other, not just a quick glance nor a hesitant aversion of the eyes, I properly studied her figure. Sure enough, the subtle tell take hints of being the descendant of Satan manifested in her body. The almost too shiny pupils and forked tipped tongue which peeped while she spoke gave away the masquerade as an almost identical twin of mine. She smiled at me and displayed her almost fang-like teeth. The whiteness mirrored my own carefully dental attention teeth, yet her smile was one of pure malevolence.

Her eyes followed my every move, I shifted slightly knowing that I was the only one seeing her. She was no manifestation of my tired mind nor was she a drug induced hallucination, however she was not a physical entity either. Reaching out and toughing her would prove to be the fumbling of a crazy madwoman, she was only mine to see. One mine to manipulate, I thought spitefully.

I stood abruptly, almost knocking over my folders which lay haphazardly on my lap. I clutched them in mid fall and awaited for the train doors to open, she materialised next to me. I tried to shift my body away from hers but the closed space immobilised any sudden movement as bodies gathered near the doors. I hesitated slightly as the train stopped slowly and then finally stopped at the platform. ‘Hey,’ she touched my arm, a burning sensation crept up my skin. I snatched my arm and rubbed it scowling at her. In this brief moment I realised that I was still in the train carriage and she had exited. I pushed the door and took a step forward but nothing happened.

I couldn’t leave the train! I struggled and took steps out of the train but nothing would happen. My foot would raise and my leg would be moving forward but I could not get out of the train. I turned around, my face a canvas of fear and desperation, around me passengers left and boarded the train with ease. ‘Help me!’ I screamed frantically, ‘Please’, faces moved past me blankly. I ran across the train and sleeked another exit. I placed my foot to leave the train but nothing happened, I was moving but not forward, no matter how hard I’d try to leave, no movement or effort would allow me to leave the train.

Helplessly, I opened the window and tried to leave the train through another mode, but this was faced by more horror. My hand would not reach the outer glass, I tried to fumble at the opening pf the latch on the other side of the train but nothing happened. My actions were being carried out but the struggle would be in vain as nothing was affected by my banging, thrashing or attempts at breaking the glass. I was invisible to the materials of the train, passengers were ignoring me. My ruckus was not faced with strange glances nor mutterings of annoyed voices, I was given no attention at all.

I breathed and slumped in a seat. What was this?! I tried to recall what my doppelganger had said, ‘I do have answers for you’ Had I traded my freedom, my entire existance for this? How stupid was I?! I had no idea this was the price, now I was trapped in this carriage awaiting my own doppelganger, or maybe the next stupid human to strike up conversation with me.

‘Yes,’ I thought, patience is virtuous and rewarding, ‘I shall wait’.

Five years have past. I have been a passenger on this train for five years waiting for my identical twin to board. I shall lure her with the promises of answers to burning questions. Yes, I shall wait.

thoughts on sentimentality

2011-01-25T00:33:00.001Z

I've got a few things flitting around in my head, this is probably due
to the fact that I've napped for far too long today & it's just so
quiet in my house right now; I need to simply let my thoughts find a
place to be heard.

Sentimentality is a strange & wonderful quirk I admire in people. The
ability to hold onto tangible & abstract objects is so amazing, it's
like they *value* items & notions in a manner I really can't seem to
ever appreciate. I like keeping old letters& cards, but I'm so quickly
frustrated by people's disappointing mannerisms that I'll not even
hesistate to destroy any material memories related to that particular
person. My sentimentality has it's limits. I have no qualm in keeping
things, but once the sender annoys me, having those items in my
possession seems useless & stupid.

With electronic memories [emails, text messages, mentions] I'm a lot
worse, or better, depends how sentimentality is appreciated. I delete
all my text messages from the inbox & sent as soon as it hits 100.
Email inboxes are emptied out sporadically & with a little more
caution. I like reading over harsh emails I've been sent, it reminds
me how mended friendships can fall apart, seamlessly with so little
care. Memories are beautiful things, they capture moments we want to
relive, but they're also cruel reminders of a time we are so gladly to
have passed. I think sentimentality is great in dosages, but we
shouldn't keep looking behind lest we lose our eye on our goal.

I should sleep. My day starts ridiculously early & I don't want to
rush my morning routine!

CRITIQUE

2011-01-18T08:13:00.001Z

Nobody likes to be told that they're wrong; it always takes a strong person to face up to their own flaws & carry on living knowing that they've been critiqued. I'm like the next person, criticism makes my insides churn & I just want the Earth to swallow me whole whilst I'm being scrutinised closely for my mistakes. Of course, we're going to face much criticism in our lives, at work, at university, in the home & some people even have the audacity to sit &tell you how much of a shit friend you are. It's the joy of establishing a relationship with people; you're going to have to hear things you really don't want to know.

Of course, critique is inevitable. You're not perfect, you don't know you're doing stuff wrong because nobody knows intuitively that they're doing an action they deem right to be wrong; it's how it is, we make mistakes & often enough need some guidance in the correct direction. Its okay, I get that.

What irks me is how people critique you, in my experience, they generally fall under three categories:

I. Yell & Point: this variety is the classical critique master; they yell & direct you to an imaginary road to success. Their screams are loud, their words are often incoherent but the message is fairly clear: you're wrong & they're making it their lifelong ambition to let you know exactly how wrong you are. It's extremely effective since you're unlikely to forget this episode, of course, it could be traumatic & scar you for your entire childhood, but it works. They accompany their yelling with a lot of finger pointing, the finger could be jabbed into your chest, or if such proximity cannot be reached or sustained, the pointing is either towards the right or in front of the speaker, what this means is beyond me. I just know that they do this hoping to convey some strange message alongside their yelling.

II. Mr Nice Guy: this is my least favourite type of critique; I actually abhor these people & legitimately hate their manner of telling me my mistakes. They mask their cruel words with the pretence of care & love. It's the dripping sweetness mixed with harsh realities that make your stomach churn & your heart pound. I absolutely hate these people. It's condescending; I feel that because they're being nice about how stupid you are, you feel like punching their stupid faces. It's all coated with honey & niceness, it doesn't soften the blow, and it just makes it resound a lot harder in your brain. This critique is inevitably followed by much mimicry & mocking by the listener: it's just too easy. It's effective for the speaker, it's taking the softer route because they still you want to be their best friend, but it's damaging to the relationship you have with that person. Nobody likes being told their wrong in a beautiful package, just say it & let's get it over with. The ribbons & fancy wrapping paper isn't really doing anyone any good.

III. Subtle: as the name suggests this critique is low-key. It's a perfect technique for people you don't really know, or for someone whose reaction you can't predict. This category does what the name suggests: subtle critique. There are various ways of delivering this critique method: little notes, text messages, hints, jokes, blog posts, snidely commenting& many more. I find this to be a cowardly way of letting people know how upset/disappointed/annoyed you are, but it's a great way for venting your frustrations & letting the critique to be out in the open in the least confrontational way possible. It's not very effective nor efficient as the intended recipient may not even know that this critique was intended for them.

I'm sure there's way more categories but those are the ones I've encountered. Let me know if you've got a particularly hated way of being critiqued or told off :]

empty words

2011-01-16T13:33:00.005Z

We yearned for the future. How did we learn it, that talent for instability? -Margaret Atwood

We're three quarters into the first month of this brand new year & I feel like nothing much has changed. I expect dramatic differences rather than the little subtle nuances we so frequently accept as this magical movement of 'change' & 'novelty newness'. I'm cynical of people who blog of resolutions attached to the beginning of another year, they're filled with this fake optimistic note, it seems so routine. It's almost mandatory for everyone to talk about a promise to be different, to simply reinvent themselves just because there's an added digit to the previously wasted year. Why wait for a new year, why even begin changing if you need an arbitrary reason to correct your flaws? It's obviously forced, meaningless &filled with insecurity, these empty words we utter before the year begins, we seem to have fallen into a pattern of passiveness.

We let things happen to us, rather than making them happen we're happy to let the Universe take action against our own will. There's this lethargy overtaking our own laziness, nobody wants to to move & the sad thing is that nobody can see reason to move either. WikiLeaks came & opened secret documents, activists blinked & said, 'This is nothing new', we weren't caring enough to make a movement. Many empty words were uttered without much action following these statements.

Its 2011, the Sun shines on a lazy world filled with much corruption, unhappiness & unrest but there's optimism in the horizon: it's just a shame nobody cares enough to pursue it.

my favourite traits in people

2010-12-28T15:12:00.000Z

-impulsive
-spontaneous
-open minded
-sarcastic
-twisted humour
-honest
-bold
-adventurous

a reminder for myself [and you]

2010-11-26T19:43:00.001Z

stop fretting & worrying, be glad your life is fast paced for it shows
you have something to wake up for, things await your presence & give
you reason to leave the warmth of your bed.

stop doubting & second guessing, value yourself & know your own worth.
You're irreplaceable, you're special & you're an asset to this
universe. Appreciate yourself, & the respect of others will mean
nothing in comparison.

Maybe things aren't so perfect & better days may seem far away but
you're alive. You have shelter & a place to call home. Be happy.

How's this for coincidence?

2010-11-13T00:42:00.002Z

Around the time I was reading Palahnuik novels back to back, I had
scoured sites for recommendations from fellow Palahnuik fans & found
myself drawn to the glowing reviews of 'Jennifer Government'. I
reserved the book via the online catalogue for our local library &
patiently awaited it's collection date.
Once the text was received by the library services, I went to
collect it just a little before work. It was a hot, stuffy day & the
librarians were too busy flirting with one another to properly look
for my book. I couldn't believe that they couldn't find the book, it
had been separately shelved& a marker with my name had been slotted
inside for easy access!
Frustrated, I just left the library& promptly forgot about the book
altogether.

Present day. I was headed out to the city centre after a day of
placement& workshops when I noticed a thrift store on the outskirts of
town. I got off the bus a stop early & walked to the little store. I
love rifling through old books& jewellery, not really caring to buy
anything,so imagine my utter surprise when I saw an old, yet undamaged
copy of 'Jennifer Government' nestled between two old paperbacks.
Sometimes life is just too surprising& wonderful.

excitement mingled with fear

2010-11-01T20:01:00.002Z

Truth be told, I haven't been all too worried about the direction my life has been tumbling towards, until today. Reality sneaks up behind you & grabs you in it's frightening claws, leaving you disorientated & a little terrified for the future. Maybe it's the week off university, or it could be the casual, relaxed get-togethers I've been attending to meet old friends & new acquaintances. Whatever it was that let me lower my guard & stay calm has vanished so suddenly. I feel as though the comfortable carpet I was aimlessly treading on has been pulled underneath my bare feet & replaced with an uneasy gravel, full of fresh & fearless challenges.

I like to imagine that this feeling of apprehension can be romanticised & like every other moment of doubt I have, I'm going to embrace this emotion as a positive one & fuel it with passion, anticipation & wonder. Today has been interesting, wonderful & tiring, it's so exciting.

anxiety

2010-10-18T00:23:00.001+01:00

silence as abuse

2010-09-05T04:54:00.002+01:00

Its easy to discriminate a violent husband, one who uses his fists as a means of complaint. He kicks to emphasise her weakness & downfalls, his stinging slaps ring her ears as a reminder of her incompetence. His violence is explained away as he weeps at her feet, beseeching her to forgive his quick temper, his short fuse. Violence is justified by her low self esteem, she believes his apologies & the abuse simply escalates with every tiny misdemeanour.

It's easy to wince at the stream of profanities shouted across the locker room. Cursing & verbal slashes reverberate through homes, hands tightly clasped on open ears & a foul mouth is simply scolded. Soap & a strong detergent reminds one of the much abhorred punishment to cleanse the mouth of a forked tongued delinquent. Apologies are given & promises are offered by the same mouth which cursed a few minutes earlier, all is forgotten.

Silence is easy to ignore. Silence is liked, respected, valued, honoured- equated with intelligence & maturity. Silence cuts, silence bleeds deeply, silence kills, silence hurts. The unknown word pierces sharper than the known profanity, the judgement left unspoken demands scrutiny & obsessive analysis. Silence is painful as it carries no responsibility.

25 arbitrary facts about me

2010-08-25T22:16:00.001+01:00

I've been tagged like 3/4 times now and I think it'll be interesting to see what I can come up with. Chances are that you'll know most of these things coz I'm not one who shies away from her inner weirdness.

#1 I lie to people when I first meet them, usually about my b'day coz I like getting presents and this is the legit way to get them quickly.

#2 I hate people who click their fingers.

#3 I'm a huge geek, I love reading and just generally being a smartypants.

#4 I rarely listen to music from my own choice, it's mostly links and recommendations from friends.

#5 I can talk for hours on the phone and still have more to say.

#6 I'm self conscious in a really unconscious way

#7 I like that I have a friend for a different aspect of my life, one for secrets, one for chilling, one for crying with etc

#8 I go through phases with dress/hairstyle. I'm currently in a state of denial of emo since my side fringe refuses to grow out.

#9 I get bored easily..at number 9 and I'm already bored of this tag shit.

#10 I rarely watch tv or films all the way til the end since I have no attention span whatsoever.

#11 Insecure people make me feel redundant, I can't handle their ways.

#12 People disturbing me in my sleep need to be shot, drawn and quartered then fed to the sharks whilst they've still got life in them.

#13 I eat loads and loads, thankfully I have a fast metabolism [I hope in yrs times, I don't regret this]

#14 I think we should have 2birthdays just so more presents and attention.

#15 I teach little children and envy that they can act stupid without caring about frowning looks from others.

#16 I prefer the freezing cold weather to the scorching heat.

#17 I like meeting new people but hate hate the awkward politeness you have to go through, can't we be comfortable already.

#18 I scream when I meet someone I haven't met for ages.Yes, I scream.

#19 I usually get my own way by guilt tripping, if that doesn't work- then I've found threatening people works a treat.

#20 I prefer the Underworld vampires and Lycans than the ones in Twilight.Secretly,I want to BE a vampire.Bite me.

#21 Whenever I watch a film or read a book, I find myself identifying certain people in my life with the characters in the film/novel. Sometimes it doesn't even fit but it's fun just doing that.

#22 I laugh at the things in my head nearly all the time. I'm so funny up there :D

#23 Me and my little sister have a long standing inside-joke about almost everything. Yeah, be jealous you ain't us.

#24 I was a loner as a child, in my teen years I was had mates and now I'm a loner at uni.Get the violins and tissues out.

#25 I feel for my offspring that they're going to have a crazy mum like me, but then again- they're super lucky too!

You're tagged if you've read this.

little lessons

2010-08-22T04:27:00.001+01:00

today-

Nothing is static& everything is susceptible to change. The best we
can do is simply try to adapt& learn to mould ourselves to cope with
these changes. Any attempt to continue as though nothing has happened
will be futile & damaging, consequences & repercussions will be
difficult to endure if this route is adopted. Stay smart& think fast.

ignorant bliss

2010-08-21T02:42:00.001+01:00

Is it better not to know than to know what will cause constant pain& anguish?
Is there a certain brand of bliss we unknowingly inject within out
veins to stay far away from unwanted truths?
Does having knowledge about a certain injustice make us more responsible?

I wish I knew the answers, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to receive
these answers yet.

disaster

2010-08-18T02:45:00.001+01:00

Me& my sister just made banana bread& it nearly got burnt!! It was
hilarious because we were trying to get it outta the cake box& it was
jammed in tight! We managed to salvage it in one piece but it's all
broken & ruined! Still delish though :)
Love midnight baking sessions!

generation of over generalization

2010-08-14T23:27:00.002+01:00

The age of individual thinking seems to be over, we can't help but stay true to our own perceptions& stereotypes, breaking away from these fixed, rigid line of thinking is almost impossible. Over-generalization is an easy trap to fall into, the comfortable knowledge of just being able to categorise people has become our favourite pastime. See an elderly person hobbling down the street- BHAM- we imagine them to have a mundane life in front of daytime television with at least three domestic animals warming themselves near the fireplace. A hooded teenager with headphones blaring with loud rap, BHAM- we visualise a troubled teen answering his unsuspecting parents back& mouthing off to his teachers. These generalizations are synonymous with age old stereotypes, where does it stop?!

Of course, I'm not free from this clichéd manner of thinking, I admit I've made silly judgements a little too quickly& harshly about the people around me. Often enough I'm proved incorrect& this surprises me since I'm more wrong about a person than right, but I still continue with my stereotypical way of thinking. Recently, after being proven horribly wrong about a certain person, I told myself I had to stop- it was ridiculous how I'd just be lazy& assume the worst, or just resort to the usual over generalization& not bother to look past those categorical way of placing people. I play a little game where I make up a story about people surrounding me. See that elderly lady with her bags from the local Asda? She's actually coming home to a houseful of foster children, the place is rowdy &noisy with not a single cat in sight. That teenager you carefully avoid on the street?He's studying at university& working the weekends to help pay for his rent.

Maybe we will always have few stereotypes about people, it restricts us to look beyond the group& see individuals with their own private story& aspirations. Next time we catch ourselves making an over generalization, stop& think, would I like to be categorised in the same way?

dragons

2010-08-14T02:04:00.002+01:00

-credit

blur

2010-08-13T01:24:00.001+01:00

I don't think anything of importance happened today, I've had so much
chocolate today& I suppose gained a few extra pound in the process.
Woops. Every Ramadhan my weight fluctuates & this yr I'm hoping to be
extra careful. Can't be a fatty on my first day of post grad, I'll be
facing cruel school children& that'll be tough in itself, I don't need
to give them another reason to pick on me. Crap, have I offended some
people? Apologies.

early morning

2010-08-12T04:03:00.001+01:00

I've just prayed my Fajr& remembered I hadn't blogged for 11/08,
here's a quick little update-

>the first fast of the month was a daunting challenge but thankfully it went pretty quickly, a 17hour fast sounds terrifying but I was asleep for a good 8 hours!

>work went really well :) can't remember any particular crazy story, just that they were all participating in various types of fasting. One was doing a half fast, another were she'd only drink milk& one had braved a full fast :D

>my eyes have been sore& itchy all day! I've taken out my contacts& hope to get an appointment during the day. Hopefully, its not anything major, inshallah.

dropped in

2010-08-10T23:26:00.002+01:00

As much as I whine about my job& how I always feel tied down to a
tight schedule because of my work hours, I have to admit that I have a
pretty great time once I'm there. I teach young children how to read
Arabic &we do a odd few textbooks with simple verb conjugation&
historical stories set in the Prophets' times. It's an enjoyable job&
it pays well, both financially& spiritually. The best thing about my
job is the children& the wacky stories they share with me- I'm always
left with this feeling of wonder/terror when they're telling me& try
to remember them for my friends& family. Today, I jotted a few
keywords so I can write them here& share them with y'all :]

-flood in Pakistan
My precocious students may be young in age but they sure are
worldwise& they're up to date with international news, that or they're
glued to the tv- you take your pick. So, one of my students was
telling me how there's been a flood in Pakistan & people have drowned,
she went on to tell me how there was a farm which had been flooded&
the cows were all 'dropped in'. I asked her if she meant that they had
drowned, but no, she insisted they had been 'dropped in'. Then she
told me of a friend at school who's brother had 'dropped in' & died. I
asked if she's sure about this, she said yeah, he was dropped in'& her
friend told her so. So strange, but even stranger is that she had this
grin on her face whenever she'd say 'dropped in', Im unsure whether I
should be concerned or simply terrified!

-stretchy eyelids
Okay, this is a sick party trick& I absolutely hate any form of
twisted body parts which can be bent in the most terrifying manner,
but this one really wins the award for The Most Hideous Party Trick:
it's stretchy eyelids. My students, a cherub looking six yr old does
this to annoy me, she stretches her eyelid& flips it over so you see
the inside of her eyelid above her eyeball- it's absolutely horrid!!
Ugh, she was doing that today &freaking the bejeesus outta me,
disgusting!

So, that was today. Expect more craziness from my little gang of terrors :)

Ramadhan Mubarak!

hot & cold

2010-08-09T23:36:00.001+01:00

It's that feeling when something really shocks you & feel a mixture of
burning heat& a terrible numbness taking over. It's horrid.

selfish Sun

2010-08-08T22:52:00.005+01:00

-credit

I'm a little like the Sun, I do think the world revolves around me, but I think I'm not as utterly selfish as that sounds. It's simple, I only see the world through my own eyes, the people in my life are the only people I believe to be significant& to truly have some real importance to my own well-being& happiness- I do genuinely care about the world& its' inhabitants, it's just that the present moment matters a tiny bit more.

I've been told countless times that I'm selfish& I believe that the world revolves around my existence, I've just stopped fighting it& think that because my attention is focused on fewer matters, I can concentrate in a more purposeful manner.

fresh from the fight

2010-08-08T00:00:00.002+01:00

today-

The morning rooster crows to awake those asleep at the crack of dawn, an alarm clock respectfully beeps when it's assigned to, but mum yells at any random time she feels like, if it's past 10am on any given day of the week, the neighbours are exposed to her yells& we're forced be awoken from her persistent calling. Today was no different, we were woken up& then shepherded to the kitchen. Dad had guests round& there was so much to do, chicken to be cleaned, sliced& cooked, salad to be washed, sliced, diced& arranged neatly into plates, &ofcourse, the house needed frantic vaccuuming& spruced up for the guests.

I've been on my feet most of the day, I just want to crawl into bed &sleep.

Night, y'all.

eyebrows

2010-08-06T23:18:00.002+01:00

There's always that one girlfriend we know who has made a terrible mess out of her eyebrows, they weren't oddly shaped or even an unfortunate mono brow, they were harmless& inconspicuous. It was probably after the summer holidays, or the Easter break that they returned to school with arched, sharply shaped eyebrows. Of course, we all noticed them immediately but stayed silent about them& avoided eye[brow] contact with her, however silence with something so absurdly hilarious can only remain for so long; one member of the clique cracks &rounds the conversation to hair, then the topic shifts to facial hair& the removal of said hair. Inevitably, the inward cringe is collectively taken but eyebrows are mentioned& everyone turns towards her. She's oblivious that this conversation could lead to countless hours wasted on teasing& mocking her eyebrows, but she still falls for this trap.

We all have this friend, &girls can be so cruel.

enchantress

2010-08-05T22:42:00.001+01:00

She's a perfect lie,

Masked in this disguise,

An embodiment of beauty.

She's a perfect thief,

Stolen diamonds lace her wrist,

Twinkling with concealed mischief.

She's a perfect witch,

Bedazzling smile on her lips,

& a secret, reluctant twitch.

She's a perfect hustler,

Convincing you with her innocence,

Spinning &weaving a web of a spider.

She's your guilt.

She's your fear.

She's your dream.

She's your souvenir.

granny fingers

2010-08-04T23:49:00.002+01:00

You know when you've had your hands in water for too long & they turn
all wrinkly? That's what my fingers are like right now! I've just
washed the dishes & my friend has text saying she's going to ring me
in a bit, so I thought I'd blog until she calls me, apologies in
advance for an abrupt ending!

We've recently had new wardrobes installed in& mum's been frantic
about us organising our belongings &clothes in them, I've been busy
rearranging my outfits& sifting through old necklaces &handbags. I
honestly had no idea I had so many possessions! I know I do tend to go
overboard with one particular accessory [last month it was hair
accessories] &buy a whole truckload, but I really didn't know that it
would get to the point where I'd be wondering where to shove them all.
Any sensible person would obviously consider giving a few items away
to cousins or friends, I would never dream of doing that since I am so
attached to my materials. It's terrible, I know, I just cant bear to
part with a top or necklace I lovingly purchased, admired, hoarded&
then finally wore- I can't let it go! I think I should learn to let go
though, it'd do wonders for me in my personal &material life.

I've got a little errand to run for my dad now, hope your day was fantastic x

exhausted

2010-08-04T00:31:00.005+01:00

I've been on my feet since I've woken up, we're preparing for Ramadhan in full swing, this usually consists of my parents in the kitchen & me &my sister just being nuisances, but this year my mum's being ultra strict on us& passing the responsibility of filling our freezers to us! Thankfully my aunt came to help us out & so our workload was halved.

I don't have much interesting to write, YES, IT'S ONLY THE THIRD DAY& I'M ALREADY LOST FOR WORDS but I don't care. I thought I'd share one item of my starred blog posts off reader when I feel like there's nothing interesting to post. I especially like this comic so I'll post this here:

I had this one incident where I went to work & an hour later, I felt this discomfort on my arms, it felt itchy &hot, no matter how much I'd scratch my skin, the itchiness wouldn't disappear. I didn't know how much longer this would be since I'd never felt like that before, so I texted my boss& said I really don't feel well& would like to go home. Amazingly, he said that's fine &so I went home& played Sims, Castaways for the rest of the day. Ohh, & the itch disappeared as soon as I left work! :D

gratitude

2010-08-03T00:41:00.005+01:00

today-

Countless blessings & such little gratitude. A visit to the opticians made me realise how fragile & precious my eyes are, a slight headache persistently bothering me showed me the value of good health & a co-operative body. A warm home & loving cousins awakened me to the reality of being wanted, having a sense of belonging & family. I have so much to be grateful for, I have much reason to be happy. Alhumdulillah.

neglect

2010-08-01T23:09:00.005+01:00

Looking at the empty archive for the past few months makes me think I should take drastic action & try to blog more frequently. Bloggers are participating in BEDA & I'm going to take the plunge into the world of responsible& committed blogging! I'm starting off with an optimistic note since I really do think I've got things to write about& there's always good ole diary-fashion blogging too, I'll write what I've guzzled down & where I've wandered off to for that particular day!

At this point some excuses are in order, where I've been is of no significance since I've not been any where interesting. I just feel so uninspired & a bit lethargic, graduating from university has been slightly disappointing. I haven't found any reason to open up a page &blog, or had a light bulb idea pinging above my head& inspiring me- I guess my expectations of myself were raised above the bar& now I'm just left with this feeling of defeat. I'll pull through though& try to churn out some creativity within myself by committing to a blog every day for this month. I'm hopeful!

today-

It's been slightly chaotic what with my family going to a wedding& bringing half the guests back home for tea& biscuits. it was actually better staying at home& hearing about the wedding& the outfits afterwards than sitting through a 3hour wedding lunch in uncomfortable heels. What interests me about South Asian weddings is the perpetual motion of judging, be it the outfits, the manner in which the hall was set up, the stage, the bride, the groom, the immediate family's behaviour- anything! Judging is absolutely mandatory, not a single aspect is left unscrutinised or unexamined. It's almost frightening how much attention is given to the most minutest of details, since I hadn't gone to the wedding, every detail was described, every guest was mentioned &their lack of dress sense was emphasised, so exhausting.

coping

2010-06-01T20:08:00.002+01:00

I wonder how d'you cope with things that don't work out your way?

here's my list:

retail therapy
phone a close friend
gorge on comfort food
write/read
listen to sappy songs
sleep
shower
beg my sister to bake with me
get out of the house & just walk, walk

fashion icon

2010-03-19T13:21:00.004Z

'Imitation is the highest form of flattery'

Whoever said that really knew how to make copycats feel like their lack of imagination is justified. Those on the receiving end of the so-called flattery should see themselves as a trend-setter, an icon, a step away from being an independent thinker, unless ofcourse, they've only stolen an idea from an obscure avenue & adopted it as their own.

Being the only female teacher in the evening classes I work at, I've slowly noticed that the little girls I teach are starting to resemble my quirky style. Yesterday I went into work thinking this idea is ridiculous, no way could 11year old want to dress like their fogey, old teacher [yes,yes I've had them ask me if I'm 30? Or if there are any wedding bells to be heard chiming in the near future]. I sat down & patiently waited for them to arrive, I fixed my hijaab & readjusted my necklace so it sits perfectly around my neck, I hate it when it's all lopsided onto one side.

In ones and twos they arrived, all greeting me & I noticed them giving me a look over [where you see them look at up & down, probably memorising my outfit so if I've worn anything again in the next few days, I'm indicted before the fashion police], I just smiled at them & that's all. Then BAM, one of my students walks in & greets me, as I raise my head to greet her back, I can't help but smirk- she's WEARING THE EXACT SAME COLOUR AS ME! Of course, this is nothing but a mere coincidence, but she's a CLONE, she's wearing a long necklace [like me], a headband matching her accessories [like I do] & her bangles are over her cardigan [ooh who could that be like?!ME!]. I can't help but smile inwardly & think, 'Wow, I'm really that iconic'.

As a few more walk in, I notice they've haphazardly matched their hijaabs with headbands, there's a complete mismatch with a brown band on a blue scarf, poor soul, but otherwise they're all matching & accessorising pretty well. Since my class is a mumble jumble of 6/7years olds peppered with a few 10/11year olds, the copycat dressing is to a varying degree, I've made a scale of the imitation level as follows:

CLONE: this specimen has mastered the art of imitating my style, the accessories & hijaabs are similar to my own, heck! If they had this style first, I'd be copying them but alas, age& experience has it's perks.
COPY: the matching is upto par but there's minor mishaps, often the hijaab is too bright & therefore makes the outfit complete but the addition of a necklace, headband & the unironed state for the hijaab relegates this fashion statement to second position. Effort is duly noticed though.
COUNTERFEIT: the attempt at imitation is so obviously made but it's all wrong. The hijaab is clashing horribly with the accessories, or the one attempting this task of imitation is so young that she cannot manage to wear the items properly or independently, i.e she'll bring her headband along in her coat pocket so she can ask me in the sweetest voice, 'Can you put this on me, please' a few batting of eyelashes & an innocent smile can really get you far in life.

It's actually really flattering & now that I've noticed that my students are doing this, I feel like making a horrid addition to my look just to see if they'll copy me. Yes, I'm THAT evil.

jamais vu

2010-02-27T15:19:00.005Z

There is another experience worth mentioning; jamais vu. Its the opposite of deja vu. Instead of feeling extra familiar, thing seem totally unfamiliar. In this case there is too little connection between long-term memory and perceptions from the present. When a person is in this state, nothing they experience seems to have anything to do with the past. They might be talking to a person they know well and suddenly they person seems totally unfamiliar. Their sense of knowing the person, and knowing how to relate to them simply vanishes. A room in which they spend a lot of time suddenly becomes totally novel; everything seems new. Details they will have seen a thousand times suddenly become engaging."

--from "Deja Vu in Spiritual and Scientific Views

I recently finished reading Choke & in it the protagonist harps about jamais vu a lot, he visits his mother in a care home & each time her goes, she identifies him with some lawyer who's helped her out in the past. It's a really mind trippy book, I recommend it to anyone who enjoyed Fight Club since it's by the same author.

Anyhow, it got me thinking [as books often do] that I have this feeling of jamais vu whenever I'm at uni. I think it's just that I feel that people on my course are awfully snobby & they never acknowledge a previously good conversation they've had with you the second time round you see them. In a university of say, 45 people averaging in every module, you often meet people only once throughout your entire semester. You'd probably have a conversation with at least 5 of those people every lecture but on the odd occasion you do transgress from your social circle, you'll have an awkward, half committed conversation with a random person only to realise that next time you see them, it's a repeated conversation with nothing new to add.

I see myself as a sociable person, I find it easy to be friendly & co-operative in a conversational setting but often enough I realise I find it so difficult to maintain & initiate these conversations because of this phenomena of jamais vu. To me, it's not about having bad memory or not being able to put a name to a face or vice versa, it's just the uncanny feeling of being in that situation for the first time ALL the time. I suppose the repercussions of this occurance is that I'm constantly telling people the same story again & again, I've been told I narrate the same story twice with the exact words & phrases as I've said them before. When I'm told this, I must say pretty unabashedly that I'm impressed by being able to recall a narrative verbatim, but this isn't an incredible feat, it's just the jamais vu I experience.

teeth police

2010-02-21T23:52:00.002Z

In this household, teeth are discussed at a regular basis. You have conversations about cleaning &caring your teeth, discussions regarding dentist appointments & orthodontist check ups, lectures about brushing & flossing, sermons about how many seconds/minutes you're actually spending after teeth cleanliness. Any complaints or moans about tooth pain is immediately attacked by the lack of hygiene & attention is given to teeth. It's mostly by my dad, he is the Teeth Police.

You're constantly brigaded to the sink after any consumption of food or drink which may contain any trace of sugar to brush your teeth & scrape away any residue of food remnants of your teeth. Bedtimes consist of a quick scolding with regards to how a member of our extended family has ruined their teeth therefore ruined their chances of ever having the 'perfect smile'. Reprimands are offered to anyone with putrid breath, be it even straight after a meal. In short, it's a dentist's wet dream to be living with my dad. He really has this fixation with good teeth being equated with a successful, more rewarding lifestyle.

I've been fortunate to be rid of braces & any adolescent awkwardness by sixteen, I had my braces & retainer malarkey over & done with in the midst of my teen years. But this does not exempt me from the constant ribbing I receive from dad. There's an hour glass timer we have in our bathroom & we're told to brush our teeth by that. My younger sister says it's 4mins long & my bleeding gums testify this.

I suppose it's for the best, really. I for one definitely judge people by their teeth.

2010- the beginning

2010-01-21T21:08:00.005Z

Every time I log onto blogger, I seem to lose a follower. Oh well, I knew the numbers were too good to last.

I can't beleive it's 2010 & the world hasn't changed much. Science fiction gave us false illusions that once we entered the new millenium we'd be seeing more of aliens, foreign entities & some kiss ass technology which would quite literally blow your mind off with its amazing abilities of transporting you to planets & outer space. I suppose disappointment is part of the package & it hasn't been all that terrible, really.

2010 has barely begun for me, I know it's already a few weeks into the year but I feel like it won't have begun properly until something crazy or unexpected occurs. For me, this year will mark the end of an era, it's supposed to be momentous since I will be graduating & entering the world of working a full time job & fending for myself in the scary domain of independent earning. Or maybe not. I think I'll retreat back into the safe haven of education & the institutes of learning for yet another year of acquiring knowledge which will hopefully better my chances at obtaining a better position in the working world.

I'm not frightened about the challenges we face in this economic disaster, I've heard that it's a nightmare for graduates to find jobs & it's not easy maintaining the luxurious lifestyles we students live (!) once you're out of the education system. I've made a few plans & knowing me, Plan B is often the first resort since it's a lot better than my original plan of not bothering to do anything in the following academic year to simply enjoy being free from deadlines & the stress which higher education brings along with the merits of having a few letters after your name.

I have hopes for this year but I'm going to be realistic about them. I've made a few resolutions & surprisingly enough, I've kept them true & easy for myself to follow. There are a lot of things I'd like to achieve this year & I'm hoping that by writing these thoughts down, I can look back on them once the year has come to an end & see whether this feeling of optimism remains as the year progresses.

silence versus speech

2010-01-16T23:26:00.000Z

“Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.”

— Thomas Carlyle

avoiding the inevitable

2009-12-04T19:30:00.003Z

I have this terrible habit where I obsess about the strangest scenarios & then worry what I'd do if they actually occured. In the instant that they turn out to become a frightening reality, I then wonder what kind odd reaction I'll have to this & then stress about not being prepared enough for said moment :/

It's really silly & I suppose a talk from reality itself would cure me from conjuring wild scenarios but I actually think I enjoy scaring myself with these mental thoughts. It's a vicious circle I suppose I will not get out of it unless I really want to & when boredom/procrastination hits, it's the best game I have on my hands.

I overthink things, that's the stem of the problem. Say I make a new friend, I'll already have thought of disagreeing with them [because I always disagree with people], then I'd play out an argument which would be of such a grand proportion that we'd break up, for so many months there'd be silence & awkward moments where one of us would text the other but there'd be no reply, similarly, a time would come where we would have forgotten what the original argument was about and then a brave first step towards reconciliation would be made [not by me though, I just always think of it too late] & then friendship would be restored. Drama would occur between us both & all would be right once a few chats about my difficult personality & their sensitivity is discussed & silently mocked by the opposite party. Of course, none of this really happens [75% of the time,anyways] but it's super super fun imagining it all. So much so that often enough I'll have thought so far ahead about this that I will be confused when that friend is so normal with me. In my head I'll think, 'Haven't we argued?' it's strange but I've managed to compartmentalise those thoughts of delusional arguments.

I understand this really does place some interesting questions about my sanity & state of mental capacity for distinguishing between reality & fantasy, but being normal is overrated so I really don't care.

cake

2009-11-25T13:57:00.003Z

Lately, I've been scouring the interwebz for pretty pictures of cakes, I don't really know why since last weekend me& my sister attempted to make rainbow cupcakes& only after eating one- I felt sick, but I suppose they're just pretty to look at.

We made the rainbow one following instructions off a video from youtube but our blue was too light & the other colours looked hideous so we ended up with pink& white cupcakes- they were super cute& yummy so that made up for the lack of rainbow in our cakes.

rights wronged

2009-11-17T12:34:00.002Z

Broken shards

Uneasy hearts

Flickering lights

Loud fights

Silence prolonged

Rights wronged

Bruising pain

Again & again

life story

2009-11-15T13:12:00.001Z

blues

2009-11-09T23:24:00.002Z

I don't really know why I'm bothering to blog, I have so many little niggling worries jumbled up in my brain, I suppose just writing them out will calm me down& realise I can deal with them once I have definitely figured out what they are EXACTLY.

Had guests round, the type where mum wakes up at a ridiculous hour in the morning to marinate the chicken& prepare 58473 dishes.

Went to uni &realised that I have a 2000 word essay plan to hand in this Wednesday which will be unmarked& totally uncalled for- why oh why do they insist on such assignments if they're only going to end up being binned once theyre written?!!

Froze my butt off walking to& fro uni& work in this freezing cold >.<

I have another 14,000 words to write until the 7th of December

My mobile fone refuses to work, I can't get it to switch on& I need to ring to cancel my sewing lesson tomorrow

I have to ring my work experience people at 10am& I have no mobile as of now & I probably won't even be near a fone seeing as I'm planning to hibernate at Uni for my assignments

My student finance form is still not sent off& so no money :(

Arghhhhhhh.

Good news is in a month I'll be outta gloomy England.
it's just a matter of making it alive til then.

true/false

2009-11-02T20:25:00.003Z

I am a cuddler: false

I am a morning person: false.

I am a perfectionist: false to a certain extent

I am an only child: false

I am Catholic: false

I am currently in my PJs: false

I am currently pregnant: false

I am currently single: true

I am currently suffering from a broken heart: i'm always pining over something or the other

I am left handed: true

I am married: false

I am addicted to myspace: false

I'm shy around the opposite sex: more false than true

I currently regret something I have done: true

When I get mad I curse: false, i curse when i shouldn't

I don't like anyone: falso

I enjoy country music: false

I enjoy Jazz: false

I have a car: false- but i wish i did

I have a cell phone: true

I have a pet: false

I have at least one brother or sister: true

I have been to another country: true

I have been told that I'm smart: true

I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: true

I have had a broken bone: false

I have caller ID on my phone: true

I have changed a lot over the past year: i think so- true

I have had surgery: true

I have killed another person: false

I have had my hair cut within the last week: false

I have had the cops called on me: false

I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't: true

I have mood swings: only when it's my time of the month

I have watched Sex and the City: false

I have seen the Lord of the Rings: true

I like Shakespeare: to a certain extent

I love to cook: true &only when it's only me in the kitchen

I love Michael Jackson: false

I love sleeping: true

I love to shop: true

I miss someone right now: true

I own & use a library card: true

I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream: false

I read books for pleasure in my spare time: true

I sleep a lot during the day: true

I strongly dislike math: false

I think Britney Spears is pretty: i have no opinion regarding her

I was born in a country other than the US: true

I watch Soap Operas on a regular basis: false

I will try almost anything once: true

I would classify myself as ghetto: false

I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White: dopey/happy/sleepy/sneezy/grumpy--um.false?

I am currently wearing socks: false, i hate socks!

I am tired: a little

I watched a movie last night: true

eternal sunshine

2009-11-01T23:40:00.001Z

[Mary reads to Dr. Mierzwiak out of "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations"; the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"]

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

/Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

she's a liar& she knows you'll fall for it #2

2009-09-17T01:07:00.000+01:00

I digress, I think maybe writing out the 'truth' will justify my existence or just make me feel better that somewhere out there in the world, my story is written albeit not a truly interesting, life changing one, but nevertheless one worthy of skimming your eyes over and wondering why I've bothered to write it out. I don't know.

I'm still at the office, to be honest I actually don't mind working here. The manager is pretty easy going, he rarely comes round to where our cubes are, he'll just intercom if he needs to speak to you otherwise he leaves us alone to robotically do our jobs. I like that he leaves us the hell alone, I wouldn't know what to say if he came round and started to make small talk with me, I'd feel all out of my element since he's old and has the worst habit of always having an aniseed ball in his mouth. he has this horrid way of maneuvering the sweets with his tongue, as though having it on one side of the cheek isn't enough but he has to take it on a journey across the plane of his mouth. You can tell I've thought long and hard about this weird habit of his, I wonder when he realised that life tastes better with an aniseed, maybe that should be his slogan, God knows. I don't know him too well to suggest it to him.

There's this guy who works adjacent to me, he wears t shirts with funky designs and quirky slogans but rarely makes conversation. Funny how you sometimes want someone to talk to you, but when they do you end up shooting the bullshit right at them. I feel a little threatened by him, I think he sees past my facade of being nonchalant and unsociable and sees the desperate loner who yearns for some friends. I hate it when I look over at him and he's blatantly ignoring my gaze, it's frustrating that i can't do anything to change it. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to him and just see what his deal is with the silence and complete ignorant attitude. Maybe.

obsessions

2009-09-12T23:18:00.002+01:00

From:http://zeethought.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/sharing-fabulous-obsessions/

• List five current obsessions.
• Pass the award on to five more fabulous blogs.
• On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.
• When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well.
• Don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by leaving a comment on their blog.

These are the rules but I'm super lazy&won't follow them except for the one where I have to list five obsessions. I'm sure I've done something similar to this but I'll do it anyways since I'm out of inspiration these days.

ONE

I'm pretty addicted to a couple of websites& I think I'll just include them as one- I'm going to prnt scrn my tabs just so you can see what I've usually got open nearly every time I'm online.

[I can't fix it so you can see :/ but they're tumblr/hotmail/gmail/youtube/ffffound]

TWO

Lately, I've become infatuated with anything related to dreams/imaginative ideas, I can ponder on my own thoughts for hours on ends just wondering on random concepts. I've always been a interested in what makes people tick&what they immediately think once they've come across something new/different. Maybe the two are interlinked- dreaming&reactions to what occurs to people :shrugs: I have no idea. I've got this annoying habit of asking friends what their reactions are to my words/actions, and I rarely ask them straight away. It's after a day or so&I'll remember that I want to know what they think of the situation. It's all weird, but that's me :)

THREE

Gosh, I'd have to admit &say food. I love eating& recently- cooking has become a fun thing to do. I'm not amazing at cooking nor very adventurous, but I really enjoy mixing& stirring in foodstuffs. It's thrilling to anticipate reactions [see, that again!] to my culinary skills, I'm not v.good but I do appreciate the experience of cooking& of course: eating! Thankfully, I have a super fast metabolism, so dieting is a foreign& unneeded word in my vocabulary.

FOUR

I'm intrigued by language &the effect it has in our lives, I suppose my ever fluctuating attitude towards my degree can be blamed on my interest in the intricately woven world of grammar& language. I really enjoy learning about it but I don't look forward to the amount of essay writing linked with it. Language has long been my bittersweet passion, some days I feel so frustrated by the vastness of the topic &other days: I just want to bask in its wondrous waves of knowledge. One of the reasons why I love Alice in Wonderland &An Abundance of Katherines is that they both explore the malleability of language, the flexibility& complete unpredictable nature of how we perceive things solely due to language. Fun stuff!

FIVE

This one's an embarrassing one but I'll mention it anyways, I really love fashion &clothes. I can spend hours flicking through catalogues just looking at pretty clothes, same goes for magazines- me&my mum will inspect every detail &discuss every little aspect. I'm also a huge of gofugyourself.com where two bloggers critique& cuss celebrities& their clothing, they're a little harsh but always humorous in their blogs- I love it! You'd think these people are earning in the thousands& they still struggle in what to wear.

There you have them- what are yours?

formspring

2009-09-08T00:22:00.005+01:00

formspring

Write anything to me in the box in that link : confessions/things you just randomly think of/questions/whatever

I want to test it out.

Thankyouuu

rainy dreams

2009-08-24T23:57:00.002+01:00

I've had this window opened with the blank, white page out in front of me. I keep switching tabs from tumblr to my google reader only to avoid writing a blog post for today. All day, I've been composing sentences so i can write a post when i get some time and now that I'm in the study with the laptop, my brain is frozen and my fingers are refusing to type coherent words onto the page. I think now I've started I won't let myself wander aimlessly online.

I woke up reliving the most vivid dream I've had in a really long time. I usually flit between sequences of occurrences and random images in my dreams, faces and movements just float by and I wake up slightly disorientated on most mornings, but today's dream was mind blowing. the remnants of my dream kept flashing in my thoughts all throughout the day, I really had to get it down someplace where I'd look back and try to make some amateur interpretation of it.

I'm in a huge compound, it looks like a university or massive business corporation site where the buildings are grey and impressive.Grey slabs line the floor and abstract statues are scattered across the grounds, there's so little greenery or not any of it at all, I'm wondering around and I see people on their own routes to places I've not been to. I'm alone, I'm sure of that but I can see/sense people in a white van. Inside it are an assortment of people from my past&present, my best friend and her husband who's driving are sitting at the front. I just know that they're on the road to look for me, in the passenger seats are old room mates from 2004 and little cousins from up North. This strange combination of people does not really bother me and I don't question or frown at why they're even together in the van, no, what really puts me at unease is the caged space behind them. Steel bars separate the passengers and this large space which I instinctively know is for me to be imprisoned in.

I'm walking aimlessly on the grounds of this vast space when it just starts to rain. Torrents of raindrops splash and everyone's running inside for shelter, but not me. I stretch my arms forward and walk around, dazzled and amused by the rain. I let the droplets drench my clothes and with outstretched hands I catch the raindrops. I'm so happy and free, the rain continues to fall and in this dazed state I hear shouts of people calling me. I turn around and it's the passengers from the van running towards me.

Their faces are alarmed and concerned, I feel so unbothered at their shouts that i simply ignore them. They rush quickly towards me and take me to the van. I know that they're going to put me in that space behind the bars but I don't fight them, I just let them lead me and curl inside, the bars slam down and I see their faces fearful behind the steel bars. I'm confused but so tired that i don't even question anything, I just sleep.

In my sleep [in my dream] I dream that I'm reliving the rain, it's splashing and trickling onto my bare skin underneath my clothes. I feel so exhilarated at the feeling that nothing seems to matter anymore, I awake and see everyone's faces expectantly waiting. I tug at the bars as if to will them to be opened, my best friend turns around from the front seat and opens them. She smiles but says nothing, I just look at her and she moves from her seat to be seated next to me. She pulls me closer into an embrace and I fall asleep half leaning, half hugging her. While I'm there next to her, I can almost taste the fear which colours the faces in the van, there's a connection between me and the rain, it's almost as though I'm responsible for this torrential rain.

Somehow I wake from all this, when I got out of bed to wash away the sleepiness from my face I stepped infront of the window and saw that the skies had opened and it was raining.

culinary skills&sacrifices

2009-08-22T23:55:00.003+01:00

The morning was lost in slumber, I awoke at 2pm with my mum's yells resounding in my ears. I usually sleep loads in Ramadhan so this is nothing new, lack of food is simply replaced by an abundance of sleep. The day started slowly since I'm nearly always dizzy when I've woken up from too many hours of lying horizontally, standing seems like a challenge so I waited for the bathroom on the steps in the passage way.

Ramadhan is a time of self control &sacrifice, both of which leaves me in a predicament as I'm reluctant to let things go willingly. I suppose even sleeping in is a means of avoiding the loss of my sacrificial lambs. I think I'm constantly tested during this time &I realise how much I'm heavily influenced by wrongs. The fact that the devil is shackled away only means that I'm imprinted with these actions regardless of the absent whisperings I can place blame in the other eleven months of the year.

Today has been blurry and slightly unfocused in terms of praying& being productive with my time. I started cooking pretty late which resulted to heavy critique to the chicken dish& my pie slightly less tasty. You learn from these hasty mistakes & can only hope for tomorrow to be a better day. Each time I cook &gain few brownie points in my culinary skills, I trip &lose a few the next time thinking I've already become a pro at mastering the art of Asian cuisine. Nevertheless, I have improved a little and this month should prove to be helpful as I'm in delegated to preparing the Iftari food every day.

Although today is only the first day of the month, I've already seen a little peek of what's in store. Judging from my weakness towards the end of the 16 hour fast, I think I'll be eating a bit more when we're up at the crack of dawn &try not to let my day waste away.

Here's to hoping.

ramadhan 09

2009-08-22T16:37:00.002+01:00

Ramadhan Mubarak to you all!

I leave you with two pieces of ahadith which bear better advice than I can ever offer:

The most beloved actions in the sight of Allah are the regular ones, even if they amount to little in quantity

(Bukhari, Muslim)

For everything there is eagerness, and for every eagerness there is a weakening (Tirmidhi)

Remember me&my family in your prayers.

19:34

2009-08-12T19:28:00.002+01:00

Every day is starting to feel the exact same to me, I wake up at a relatively consistent time of 11am, make myself presentable for my parents and go downstairs. Breakfast eaten and chores completed, I trudge to work. I feel so monotonous and nothing seems to interest me for long. Any bright new event is simply marred by the fact that by tomorrow I'll be reliving the same automatic routine again & again.

I don't feel upset or even the least bit angry at how my life is going, at the moment I'm just glad I haven't got the depressed tones I hear from my friends of being bored as they have nothing to do, I have a job which can be mildly amusing & enough chores to keep me on my feet. I wouldn't dare to tempt fate by saying I have nothing to fill my time with-it would be lying anyways since my mum always conjures housework from empty atoms. Clothes always need ironing or washing, the rooms never cease to be in dire need of a vacuum and bathrooms can never be scrubbed enough. I am content, I repeat it to instill its truth within me.

G.I JOE

2009-08-06T21:29:00.002+01:00

Snake Eyes from G.I JOE.

It's action packed and brilliantly cliched, watch it with someone whose company you love.

aliveeeee 2009

2009-08-01T23:44:00.002+01:00

Theme parks:

the whoosh of high speed rides,
the clanging of metal wheels on metal tracks,
high pitched screams,
exhiliarated adrenaline,
butterflies swooping in your stomach.

Sports cars:

sliding back and fro on leather seats
flickering houses pass you by
sweet sound of engine roaring below
excitement at the crazed rush you feel
anticipated luxury and movement

Arguments:

contradictory statements spewed over
heated, flushed skin
mind whirrs and whizzes instant comebacks
angry sparks electrify the room's tension
animated hand gestures

Yeah, the summer's good.

don't be sad#1

2009-07-29T17:54:00.003+01:00

Do not live in the nightmares of former times or under the
shade of what you have missed

Crossposted from drinkingraindrops.tumblr.com

witness

2009-07-25T00:02:00.002+01:00

You're walking into a large room, the lights are dimmed and flicker ever so slightly. Your eyes squint a little as they have come from the brightness of outside, you can't help but notice the smoky haze that seems to have enveloped the occupants of the room.

It's quiet but the comfortable silence you've never really understood well. Heads raise as you accidently slam the door on your way in, they nod in your direction absent mindedly, nobody seems to care much you're here, either way- you're a witness to what's to happen here.

coraline

2009-07-20T19:49:00.002+01:00

I adore this film
via: moviesinframes.tumblr.com

the skies tell me stories

2009-07-13T14:38:00.006+01:00

I love making little stories out of the images in the sky, it's so silly&childish but it amuses me that I have this imagination whirring frantically to fit words to the strange shapes I see in the sky.

The drive home was a long one and the skies were quickly colouring into the most gorgeous colours of pink and orange. Sunsets always fascinated me but the clouds were mesmerising, I saw a hunchbacked giant brandishing a bouquet of flowers, he's walking into the horizon with this gift of simple roses. The steps he takes are slow and calculated, there's meaning behind his walk towards his loved one.

I saw a petite woman in the skies, she had the cutest poodle who coincidentally was taking a shit underneath a tree. the winding branches served as an umbrella for her and her poodle. The lady's features were nondescript but her outfit made up for what she didn't have- a huge flowing dress accentuated her slim waist and brought out the copper colour of her curls. Life was a simple one, she walked her dog at the brink of sunset and ate at restaurants. Always at the same table.

The skies draw pictures with the cloud, the sun colours them and words formulate easily with these wondrous images.

energy

2009-07-07T19:27:00.001+01:00

It's so much energy NOT to do
some things

new outlet

2009-07-05T19:30:00.002+01:00

http://drinkingraindrops.tumblr.com/

Sometimes I have just little one sentence thoughts and feel like they're not blog worthy so I made a tumblr.

I hope you're all having a wonderful summer.

she's a liar &she knows you'll fall for it

2009-07-02T15:17:00.004+01:00

I've faked my way through life, it's not been an easy feat, but it's been a comfortable transition from small fibbing to humongous, life altering, shape shifting lies. It's simple, keep a straight face and don't let your hands fidget much. I suppose it's more of an art of deception than a casual flick at the truth. Honesty never worked too well for me, friendships fall through when you tell a friend she's too needy, relationships crumble when you tell your other half he needs to slow down on the big macs, they're not helping his fitness regime much, I lie for comfort, I lie for my own safety.

So yeah, I'm sitting in this cramped office cube typing away at nothingness. I stare at the screen and muse over the irony that my name tag doesn't even say my own name. I've flitted in so many places, often squandering on other people's gullible ways to just get by, it's not always so straight forward but oh gosh, the rush I feel when someone swallows my sob story, the adrenaline which floods my veins when their eyes start to water and their faces crumple with sympathy, I can't stop myself from shooting my next dosage of lies into the silly sap who stumbles on my path. It's so exhilarating, I think my addiction's a healthy one, no one really gets hurt that much, except the old lady who baked the cookies and couldn't stop crying at my battle wound story [abusive step father, absent mother- gets them all the time].

I'm a good person, I know I am. I haven't ever littered or had a speeding ticket, there's no dead corpses in my boot and neither have a stolen anything which wouldn't be missed much. I'm a good person since I lie for public service, nobody really wants to know the truth really. I'm letting you hear what you want and it's entertainment for some, and a chance for others to sigh of relief at my woes and their fortunate lifestyle. I see the relief which flickers, maybe it's a millisecond thing but I see it. You're happy you're not me. Well, guess what stud? I'm happy you're not me either.

It's all good.

--------------

I don't know who she is, but her voice keeps talking in my head. I had to let her out.

2 minutes

2009-06-27T21:59:00.003+01:00

tarnished memory
brilliant symmetry
expressive eyes
laughing cries

knifed edges
silly pledges
hurried conversations
forgotten recollections

jittery nerves
smooth curves
lazy smiles
turbulent trials

cream+butter
sweet as another
jack+jill
tumbling off the hill

anywhere but here

2009-06-26T13:43:00.003+01:00

it starts off with an ache, a niggling pain pushing through the hidden entities of your insides. it builds up fueled with passion as the minutes become hours, days flicker and calendar pages are torn out. this dreaded wait. this broken hope.

she eats to calm the blazing chaos inside her, the sweetness feels strange as it cannot comfort her like it used to. emptiness fills her only to give room to more space, this paradox confuses her so she forgets to think. the scorching heat torches her skin and hair but she refuses to move from the stone floor. anything but here, anyplace would be a better alternative.

stars twinkle, the night sky shadows all expectation. every home is illuminated by the bright lights of the city. a breeze brought forth sends shivers down her flimsy dress, she shudders but solemnly stays in a fetal position. nothing can change but everything is different. opposites yet so alike.

----------------------

I wrote this a month ago and it's been in my drafts just waiting to be published- I don't know what I was thinking at that moment in time when I wrote it, but I think it's fitting with the rain drizzling down the window panes.

father's day '09

2009-06-21T12:10:00.002+01:00

gossip girl #1

2009-06-20T21:52:00.002+01:00

" Dreams. Everybody has them. Some good. Some bad. Some you wish you could
forget. Sometimes you realize you’ve outgrown them. Sometimes you feel like
they’re finally coming true. And some of us just have nightmares. But no matter
what you the dream, when morning comes, reality intrudes and the dream begins to
slip away. "
— Gossip Girl.

findings

2009-06-17T13:24:00.006+01:00

Let's run away and do spontaneous things for the day.

Lie away and make paper chains only to burn in the garden.

Watch the wispy spirals of smoke rise upwards and float away.

Paper stars and glass shards.

Happiness is equally measured with the amount of expectation you have in that one person.

Sometimes forgetting the little things and then being reminded of how lucky you are- it's like the best feeling to ever wake up to.

It can be frightening, exhilarating and mostly- humbling.

Words won't suffice, it's the moment which steals every little letter away.

Our own private arena for colour and bliss.

It's a sanctuary but at the same time a little wonder of change.

Just breathe it all in and don't let your mind even think about it.

History will record itself regardless of what you may hope for.

Let the pages turn and ink flow- it's today which matters.

Forever.

ffffound.com

argh

2009-06-17T00:43:00.002+01:00

I carry on ruining the good things around me because quite simply, it's how I am.

same difference

2009-06-11T13:26:00.003+01:00

--Inspired from a late night conversation--

We're all so alike, physical features draw our similarities. Look out your window, scan your eyes across the room, the norm will be that we have two eyes, pupils flecked with colours and indefinite length of eyelashes on the ridges of our eyelids, eyebrows line above our eyes. A nose bridges outwards above two moist lips, teeth sharp enough to bite, strong enough to withstand constant wear and tear of everyday eating. Five digits on each hand and foot, nails which grow at the tips of these digits. Bones encased in skin, movement enabled by the muscles and tendons so carefully programmed to work the way we desire. Nerves tingle and carry mundane messages every second, we're all so similar in our physical properties.

Minor differences separate us, maybe the colour of our skin, the slight alterations in our features yet these are all similar in function. It's amazing how though we have the same capacities to breathe, talk, eat and simply live- we are all so unique in personality, character and interests.

A child born in a family dedicated to sciences, cousins immersed in biochemistry, dentistry, pharmaceutical sciences would grow up to be interested in something completely diverse. It's mind boggling how these things happen, we're all so alike in how we function physically but so different in how our thoughts are. Maybe comparing us to robots all created by one hand and then leaving them to the wilderness to see how they would behave with just the basic programming is a bad idea for me. I dunno, I was just so intrigued by how beautiful the world and creation is- all praise to the Creator, of course.

in your words

2009-06-08T22:39:00.006+01:00

In an offline message, my friend described me in such sweet words.

I thought a Wordle cloud would be a pretty way to present it.
Miss youuuu <3

books, books and books

2009-06-04T18:38:00.003+01:00

Since a very young age, I've loved reading- no matter what the genre was or the topic, I devoured books hungrily, often refusing to get up from my curled position until the book was finished.

My earliest memories include the Jennifer Yellow Hat and Roger Red Hat learning books, they had routine lives and you'd learn of their mundane anecdotes. As ability improved and imagination grew, I would flick through the novels my elder sister would bring from the library. I remember a huge infatuation with spy/detective novels, [Famous Five&Secret Seven] and broken-home themed novels by Jacqueline Wilson. Nick Sharratt's cute illustrations made the books more lovable and memorable.

As I grew up, I was enthralled by Harry Potter [come on, this was inevitable], I think the love still hasn't worn off much. I still pick up the random copies of HP and start from the middle just to relive the magic once again. Like any fan, I seeked other fans and the dorm-corridor I lived at 16 was the perfect place. All my corridor mates were huge HP fans, we'd sit up at night and discuss our favourite characters [mine: Luna Lovegood&Ron Weasley, no contest] and mark our mental countdowns for the next novels. Rowling had us captured in her web of magic and adventure, our mutual zeal for her novels brought a close connection between me and my corridor mates. We had a special bond as our discussions would often go on a tangent from one discussion of HP-related talk, I remember a friend [a non-HP fan] who'd always complain how boring we were, I used to tell her that once she'd read the novels our love would be justified and explained. The books created friendships which I cherish til today, the HP link made conversation flow easily and a stronger bonding between us all. Amazing stuff.

Books still hold a major role today in my life, I've not lost the zeal and ardour for reading. Today while I was walking to the local library, I realised that there's no better feeling than just holding a great book in your hand and delving into the unknown world with full trust that losing yourself is just an option that you choose for yourself. My opinion of libraries being a sanctuary for all was reinforced by my short visit today, the young played with picture books on soft, fluffy rugs and the elderly sat with newspapers, eyebrows furrowed and legs crossed- we were all immersed in our own brand of reading and I think that's truly amazing.

angels&demons

2009-05-30T19:53:00.005+01:00

I went to watch this with my sister today, she'd read the book so was definitely more enlightened than I was as we got into the theatre to see the film.

I think it's great cinematography, amazing graphics, fast paced, beautiful soundtrack, suspense filled moments but the same cliched storyline you can expect from a Dan Brown novel. There's an attack on the whole religion of Christianity, the Vatican city has been threatened to be under a siege, priests and cardinals are in conflict and there's a hero with the knowledge of every symbol, sign and the entire history of each nook and cranny of the cathedrals of Vatican City.

Interesting and the 2hours and 18mins quickly fly but it can be tiring to watch, they run around from one church hallway to another, dialogue is long winded and the vast amount of coincidental inside knowledge Langdon has is a bit cringe inducing- it's a bit too convenient for my liking, overall great for Dan Brown fans who want to see the words on the big screen, slightly tiring for ADD members of the audience like me.

theory #1

2009-05-27T16:20:00.005+01:00

I have a theory that pigeons are MI5 agents who roam the world and spy on the rest of us bystanders.

today's generation

2009-05-15T14:30:00.003+01:00

We are the generation of communication, we network busily like bees setting up profile pages on websites which gather a little too much information, we tweet our daily, habitual routines and make idle chatter with our cult followers. We blog of anecdotes, obsessions and random news articles which perk our interests for the day. We text, email, chat on instant messenger and still wonder why we're so out of touch with our loved ones.

We are the generation of shopping, we scour shops for the best deal and still drown in debts. We set up paypal accounts for safer internet buying, we mock fashion mishaps and govern our wardrobes according to gurus who dress worse than the celebrities they ridicule. We are a superficial, vain, sheep nation, blinded by the harsh reality of a penniless, drowning economy and still wonder why we're still wanting more and more.

We are the generation of change, we saw a black president elected and loved, we laughed in the face of pandemic flu, we bravely sent our soldiers out for a cause we're still so unsure about today. We toppled tyrants and burnt memoirs in the futile hope that all pain would be erased. We whined about facebook changes and silently accepted them as a result of our addictive ways, we embraced new faces and mannerisms in the desperation of moving with the times. We adapt, mould ourselves and transform in this fast paced life and still wonder why we're still standing in the same position as ever before.

We are today's generation, yesterday's hopes and the future's bygones.

what i love

2009-05-12T15:46:00.002+01:00

warm hugs
long conversations
comfortable silences
inexpensive meals
great company
happy cousins
loud football match times
teasing friends of their bad taste
cute cupcakes
grocery shopping with mum
scottish accents
interactive seminars
mushy chick flicks
one sitting novels
bright ipods
edible babies
sunny park picnics
drives at night
awkward people happy together
reality show critiques
freebies at uni/city centre/anywhere!
fresh strawberries just washed
exclusive perfumes given out free
winding up sales people
posh ladies with no money
cheesy adverts
inside jokes
yellow cars
wintry walks alone
embarrassing stories told which make me blush
texts with just a smiley
comfy blankets
marshmallows and cream on hot choc
freshly baked cookies

and much more

worth it all

2009-05-08T21:10:00.001+01:00

behind the clouds

peeking shyly through

were the brightest stars

which brought me to you

my day

2009-05-02T23:56:00.006+01:00

It's been an amazing, strange and interesting day.
I always think chronicling my life is little sub par for blog material but I just thought to myself that one day, when I'm old and wrinkly, sipping my green tea and rereading Harry Potter4 [yes, this is how I visualise my old age to be like] I will sign in to my blog and read my posts, I'll probably cringe at my below average writing skills and pathetic attempts of mattering on the interwebz, but I think I will be satisfied that I actually bothered to type these little anecdotes of my life so I can reflect and embrace the personality I once displayed online.

I got up pretty early for a Saturday morning, parents were in the kitchen making a big breakfast for us. They're so adorable with their synchronised ways, one will toast the bread while the other will scramble eggs, or they'll simply stand over the stove and take turns in stirring or whatever you do in front of a pan of breakfast foodstuffs. We all ate and just had the regular breakfast banter, exchanging plans of the day and getting money off dad. It's pretty smart to ask for money then, he'll be eating and usually on the phone, occupied and in a good mood- brilliant combination!

My sisters and I had made plans with family friends to go bridal dress shopping, obviously we weren't going to actually buy anything, just browse and then report to mother dearest for design and price final decision making. We set off with nothing really in mind, my sister wants something simple but elegant for her wedding, and the colour has to be ivory. Dunno why but I was happy to oblige with pointing out anything which resembles ivory.

After traipsing round six to seven shops, I was so hungry. I kept bleating, 'When are we going to eat?!' and 'Omg, if we walk into another shop I'm going to scream' of course, my screams were quickly stifled by the sound of an ice cream van. I think I gorged on twister ice lollies and callipo ice shots a little too much before we even sat down at a restaurant.

We ate to our full and then browsed a little more. Once I got home, an old friend rang to tell me she was in the city and would be great to link up. I met up with her and as I waited for the bus home I could feel my skin itch. It was a creeping, tingly sensation on my neck, I scratched it and could feel my skin scorching hot. I felt such a horrid sensation of itchiness everywhere. I sat on the bus and gripped my bag so my hands wouldn't scratch my burning skin.

I came home and looked in the mirror, my whole face was tinged pink, on my arms and legs were mumps-like spots, all raw and angry, demanding to itched. I couldn't resist, I tore at my skin in desperation. I could feel my breath quickening, the mumps impersonators were persistent, my fingers hurt from the scratching. Since the house was empty, I had no one to ask for an opinion. I thought it would subside with creaming but it was pointless. It stung like hell and made scratching difficult as my nails couldn't reach my skin without slipping down. I just grabbed my towel and got into the bath.

As water cascading down my skin, it slowly cooled the raw spots scattered over my skin. I sighed. Finally, the irritated sensation subsided and I felt a little calmer.

Weird. I went to my aunt's for the evening meal and I told mum about it, she said this has happened before, maybe I'm allergic to something but I just don't know what. Whatever it is, it's pretty freaky.

bleeding hearts

2009-05-02T01:16:00.001+01:00

Stealth is his weapon,

Bravery is his armour

Hatred is his motive

Stone is his heart

Servitude is his strength

Loyalty is his honour

let not the forgotten soldier weep in solitude/the cries are not fallen on deaf ears/size and magnitude stands for nothing with/this ever lasting faith within us.

/I haven't forgotten you, Palestine.

facebook rant

2009-04-30T19:06:00.004+01:00

FAO FACEBOOK ADDICTS:You know who you are- the babble of girls and guys who sit in the silent study and look at facebook photos. You giggle at friend' profiles, your failure to stifle your laughter at photos makes my blood boil. I hate how you all just sit and make the world's loudest racket. I feel so frustrated, for heaven's sake, you must have seen these pictures a million and one times- you were here before me and even as I'm getting my things together to leave, you're still clicking away at random pictures.

It's amazing how they're EVERYWHERE. Jeez, I moved twice and like infesting cockroaches- they breed in the least likely places. It's just an innocent student typing away and all of a sudden, a huge swoop of super loud lads and girls will gather round on computer. 'Woahh, look at her!' I really have no sympathy for the profile owner either, it's your choice to advertise your life and not private the pictures or info.

Grr.

(ellipsis)

2009-04-27T11:16:00.002+01:00

i love her……so i fight for her. it is what lovers do. there is no dichotomy: lover or fighter? it is lover/fighter both. i fought to get her, so i fight to keep her while i’m with her. i do not understand those who fight only to get back what they have lost. you should have been fighting all along.

[credit]

ramblings at ridiculous school nights sigh 'school, I meant, I have uni tomorrow and I'm awake doing stupid things when I could be in bed.Silly mee.

2009-04-27T01:49:00.004+01:00

I easily get addicted, it's a fact of my personality.
I'll hear a new song or see a something pretty and then just obsess over it til it's on my ipod/in my possession. And then, once I have acquired said obsessed thing, I immediately feel bored of it. It frightens me how quickly I don't want it. Am I the only one out there who feels this way?

On a completely unrelated note, what's with people blogging over 1000+ blog entries these days? I can barely read pages of my own essay, and now I find myself faced with l-o-n-g posts in my Reader. I just unsubscribed from those budding essayists, maybe I should just email them with my assignment questions?

Anyhow, it's nearly 2am and I've got way too much to do tomorrow.
Byeee <3

P.S we should have long titles, not long blog posts. Short attention span is my flaw.

beauty sleep

2009-04-25T01:14:00.002+01:00

I hate it when you fall asleep before me,

and you're awake after I am.

Early worms taste horrid alone.

voices

2009-04-20T18:50:00.005+01:00

Aren't we all a little afraid of not being able to say what we truly want to? There a these moments in life which slip us by, unspoken apologies or confrontations haunt us forever.

It's what I forgot to say that keeps creeping back to me. I'll be lying in the darkness, my mind the arena for the silent concert reverberating from my ipod ear phones, regret will simply sink in- no, it glides, I can just imagine it now being so elegant in its movement as it enters my thoughts.

Goodbyes have never been my forte and even when I let myself picture the scene, a little lump forms in my throat. Tears threaten to spill over and ruin my masquerade of nonchalance, indifference has been my mask and you've just let that disguise wash over you. I swallow, and then swallow once again because breathing can't take away the numbness anymore.

Before you walk away and ruin other perfect moments, give me the chance to say what needs to be said. Surely the months of agony, pain and broken promises have a given me the opportunity to speak up. Besides, your permission isn't needed, or so I tell myself.

signature scents

2009-04-16T18:40:00.005+01:00

'Smell this'

My brother places his wrist under my nose, I inhale the scent and sigh:

'Woah, what is that?'

'Issey Miyake'

'Amazing'

One eye on the busy road, he starts telling me his thoughts on scents and perfumes in general. I can't remember the entire verbatim since keeps you on guard against his reckless way of driving. Anyhow, this what really stuck in my mind.

'Smells can really change your entire day. You might wake up feel so shitty and depressed, you spray yourself with a scent lingering and classy: voila! Your whole day's been changed into something more optimistic. Sometimes you've had a long day, exams keep you down and you just want to unwind: just SHOWER. You can get amazingly fragranced shower gels and they completely rejuvenate your mood, it's brilliant.

Some smells remind me of stuff, it's the classy, lingering smells which really make you realise how you associate smells with people and moments in your life. When other people smell this [Issey Miyake], they always remember me coz it's like having a signature smell and you'll always be remembered with that certain perfume. '

I just thought about what he said and thought I'd put it onto the interwebz- d'you agree with this? Is there a certain smell which reminds you of someone or a special place? And what's your take on signature smells, do you have one?

My all-time favourite is Nina Ricci, a friend gave it to me as a gift and it's lasted me for over a year. It's so beautifully packaged and the fragrance lingers leaving a really lasting impression on others, I've had mates say they remember me when they catch a whiff of it in passing.

me against the world

2009-04-15T22:08:00.004+01:00

vanity/dressing up/sunny afternoons/brilliant lighting/

unabashed/lightness/solitude/happiness/freedom

I love playing dressing up- taking pictures and then editing them a little to make it look slightly better.

<33

//Superchick.

you're alive, celebrate it.

2009-04-06T23:03:00.004+01:00

We sat inhaling liquorice flavoured hookah in the dim lit bedroom, you wowed me with your great antics at making flawless circles with the hazy smoke. The clouded, musky room lowered my guard as I softly whispered my secret fears. I felt your hand grab mine, the fingers entwined tightly promising me silent promises for tomorrow. It's that moment when I realised that nothing is forever and it's NOW we should live for.

Daisy chains always leave me frustrated, the stained green refuses to wash away from my clothes but sitting in the sun, so carefree, so utterly freed from the ropes of responsibilities just made it all worthwhile. I just let my mind sit immobilised, basking the bluest skies this grey city has ever witnessed. It's that moment when I realised that nothing is forever and it's NOW we should live for.

Umbrellas are up as the world is once again watered by the Gardener in heaven, furrowed brows and stringy hair bring an image of misery to most, but I refuse to stay melancholic. Torrents of raindrops drip off my books, I hold on firmly to my bag determined not to let the pages feel the dampness in vain. I flit and dance to skirt away from passing cars mercilessly driving through puddles splashing us lowly pedestrians. Despite the city's collective groan, I smile at the fickle mood of the weather. It's that moment when I realised that nothing is forever and it's NOW we should live for.

I type til my fingers are raw, little bubbles of inspiration flow sporadically through my fingers. A little flicker of light tells me I'm running out of time, life trickles out of my laptop but my mind refuses to quit this stream of words. Letters formulate words which bring forth carelessly constructed sentences. It's that moment when I realised that nothing is forever and it's NOW we should live for.

spring 2009

2009-04-05T00:15:00.005+01:00

ffffound.com

I love this image, the way the guitar seems to seep through with colours, absolutely gorgeous.

I'm opting for the 'thousand words' are equated by a pretty picture blogpost this time. A consequence of my laziness which beautiful spring weather and the combination of assignment deadlines often brings.

lost your address

2009-03-21T13:58:00.007Z

I wrote this a while ago but never thought about posting it up.I'm in the what-the-heck-why-not kinda mood.

I love this post and wanted to write something similar.

Here goes nothing:

Dear Disappointment

You're always present when I least expect you to be
I try to warn myself to be prepared
But I'm always crushed when you come barging in
Uninvited

Dear Pain

Everytime you visit, I know it'll hurt
But despite the frequency of how often you're here
It's always magnified by how bored I am to see you
Once again

Dear Optimism

You disappeared for a while
And while you were gone
I eloped with pessimism
Atleast I'm forewarned and stronger
For now

Dear Happiness

You come with the hugest rush
And leave so abruptly
It makes me smile when I think how naive I am
Your visits are quick but appreciated
So very much
Will you come again?

Dear Heart

It's got to stop because it's not normal
We have tried as a body
But you refuse to co operate
It's grossly unfair that we have to suffer
Collectively

silent language

2009-03-18T14:18:00.006Z

When I couldn't hear,

you became my loudest voice

held my hand and described the sounds

wiped away my fears effortlessly

never asking for much in return

When I couldn't see,

you were my brightest light

guiding me through the darkness

weaving my route into the familiar

never asking for much in return

When I couldn't breathe

you gave me the reason to live

inhaling in the pain and despair

releasing my anguish into the air

never asking for much in return

When I couldn't speak

you painted my emotions onto the canvas

interpreting the colours as meaningful thoughts

brightening my vision so vibrantly

never asking for much in return.

Never once did you complain

never once did you say

'no, I can't do this anymore'

never asking for much in return.

tell me a secret

2009-03-16T16:35:00.003Z

Post me a secret anonymously in the comments.

I'm intrigued as to what we're all holding inside us.

It doesn't have to be scandalous or amazing, just keep it honest and real.

smile #3

2009-03-11T21:23:00.003Z

let's frolic in the fields and let our worries fly

sit beneath the moon and watch the comets pass us by

take my hand and purr a content sigh

as a soft breeze caresses my cheek under the blue sky

privately I smile and ponder why

the wheels of fate turned to spy

my happiness.