drinking raindrops

avoiding the inevitable

2009-12-04T19:30:00.002Z

I have this terrible habit where I obsess about the strangest scenarios & then worry what I'd do if they actually occured. In the instant that they turn out to become a frightening reality, I then wonder what kind od reaction I'll have to this & then stress about not being prepared enough for said moment :/

It's really silly & I suppose a talk from reality itself would cure me from conjuring wild scenarios but I actually think I enjoy scaring myself with these mental thoughts. It's a vicious circle I suppose I will not get out of it unless I really want to & when boredom/procrastination hits, it's the best game I have on my hands.

I overthink things, that's the stem of the problem. Say I make a new friend, I'll already have thought of disagreeing with them [because I always disagree with people], then I'd play out an argument which would be of such a grand proportion that we'd break up, for so many months there'd be silence & awkward moments where one of us would text the other but there'd be no reply, similarly, a time would come where we would have forgotten what the original argument was about and then a brave first step towards reconciliation would be made [not by me though, I just always think of it too late] & then friendship would be restored. Drama would occur between us both & all would be right once a few chats about my difficult personality & their sensitivity is discussed & silently mocked by the opposite party. Of course, none of this really happens [75% of the time,anyways] but it's super super fun imagining it all. So much so that often enough I'll have thought so far ahead about this that I will be confused when that friend is so normal with me. In my head I'll think, 'Haven't we argued?' it's strange but I've managed to compartmentalise those thoughts of delusional arguments.

I understand this really does place some interesting questions about my sanity & state of mental capacity for distinguishing between reality & fantasy, but being normal is overrated so I really don't care.

cake

2009-11-25T13:57:00.003Z

Lately, I've been scouring the interwebz for pretty pictures of cakes, I don't really know why since last weekend me& my sister attempted to make rainbow cupcakes& only after eating one- I felt sick, but I suppose they're just pretty to look at.

We made the rainbow one following instructions off a video from youtube but our blue was too light & the other colours looked hideous so we ended up with pink& white cupcakes- they were super cute& yummy so that made up for the lack of rainbow in our cakes.

rights wronged

2009-11-17T12:34:00.002Z

Broken shards

Uneasy hearts

Flickering lights

Loud fights

Silence prolonged

Rights wronged

Bruising pain

Again & again

life story

2009-11-15T13:12:00.001Z

blues

2009-11-09T23:24:00.002Z

I don't really know why I'm bothering to blog, I have so many little niggling worries jumbled up in my brain, I suppose just writing them out will calm me down& realise I can deal with them once I have definitely figured out what they are EXACTLY.

Had guests round, the type where mum wakes up at a ridiculous hour in the morning to marinate the chicken& prepare 58473 dishes.

Went to uni &realised that I have a 2000 word essay plan to hand in this Wednesday which will be unmarked& totally uncalled for- why oh why do they insist on such assignments if they're only going to end up being binned once theyre written?!!

Froze my butt off walking to& fro uni& work in this freezing cold >.<

I have another 14,000 words to write until the 7th of December

My mobile fone refuses to work, I can't get it to switch on& I need to ring to cancel my sewing lesson tomorrow

I have to ring my work experience people at 10am& I have no mobile as of now & I probably won't even be near a fone seeing as I'm planning to hibernate at Uni for my assignments

My student finance form is still not sent off& so no money :(

Arghhhhhhh.

Good news is in a month I'll be outta gloomy England.
it's just a matter of making it alive til then.

true/false

2009-11-02T20:25:00.003Z

I am a cuddler: false

I am a morning person: false.

I am a perfectionist: false to a certain extent

I am an only child: false

I am Catholic: false

I am currently in my PJs: false

I am currently pregnant: false

I am currently single: true

I am currently suffering from a broken heart: i'm always pining over something or the other

I am left handed: true

I am married: false

I am addicted to myspace: false

I'm shy around the opposite sex: more false than true

I currently regret something I have done: true

When I get mad I curse: false, i curse when i shouldn't

I don't like anyone: falso

I enjoy country music: false

I enjoy Jazz: false

I have a car: false- but i wish i did

I have a cell phone: true

I have a pet: false

I have at least one brother or sister: true

I have been to another country: true

I have been told that I'm smart: true

I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor: true

I have had a broken bone: false

I have caller ID on my phone: true

I have changed a lot over the past year: i think so- true

I have had surgery: true

I have killed another person: false

I have had my hair cut within the last week: false

I have had the cops called on me: false

I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't: true

I have mood swings: only when it's my time of the month

I have watched Sex and the City: false

I have seen the Lord of the Rings: true

I like Shakespeare: to a certain extent

I love to cook: true &only when it's only me in the kitchen

I love Michael Jackson: false

I love sleeping: true

I love to shop: true

I miss someone right now: true

I own & use a library card: true

I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream: false

I read books for pleasure in my spare time: true

I sleep a lot during the day: true

I strongly dislike math: false

I think Britney Spears is pretty: i have no opinion regarding her

I was born in a country other than the US: true

I watch Soap Operas on a regular basis: false

I will try almost anything once: true

I would classify myself as ghetto: false

I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White: dopey/happy/sleepy/sneezy/grumpy--um.false?

I am currently wearing socks: false, i hate socks!

I am tired: a little

I watched a movie last night: true

eternal sunshine

2009-11-01T23:40:00.001Z

[Mary reads to Dr. Mierzwiak out of "Bartlett's Familiar Quotations"; the lines are from Alexander Pope's poem "Eloisa to Abelard"]

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

/Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

she's a liar& she knows you'll fall for it #2

2009-09-17T01:07:00.000+01:00

I digress, I think maybe writing out the 'truth' will justify my existence or just make me feel better that somewhere out there in the world, my story is written albeit not a truly interesting, life changing one, but nevertheless one worthy of skimming your eyes over and wondering why I've bothered to write it out. I don't know.

I'm still at the office, to be honest I actually don't mind working here. The manager is pretty easy going, he rarely comes round to where our cubes are, he'll just intercom if he needs to speak to you otherwise he leaves us alone to robotically do our jobs. I like that he leaves us the hell alone, I wouldn't know what to say if he came round and started to make small talk with me, I'd feel all out of my element since he's old and has the worst habit of always having an aniseed ball in his mouth. he has this horrid way of maneuvering the sweets with his tongue, as though having it on one side of the cheek isn't enough but he has to take it on a journey across the plane of his mouth. You can tell I've thought long and hard about this weird habit of his, I wonder when he realised that life tastes better with an aniseed, maybe that should be his slogan, God knows. I don't know him too well to suggest it to him.

There's this guy who works adjacent to me, he wears t shirts with funky designs and quirky slogans but rarely makes conversation. Funny how you sometimes want someone to talk to you, but when they do you end up shooting the bullshit right at them. I feel a little threatened by him, I think he sees past my facade of being nonchalant and unsociable and sees the desperate loner who yearns for some friends. I hate it when I look over at him and he's blatantly ignoring my gaze, it's frustrating that i can't do anything to change it. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to him and just see what his deal is with the silence and complete ignorant attitude. Maybe.

she's a liar &she knows you'll fall for it

2009-07-02T15:17:00.004+01:00

I've faked my way through life, it's not been an easy feat, but it's been a comfortable transition from small fibbing to humongous, life altering, shape shifting lies. It's simple, keep a straight face and don't let your hands fidget much. I suppose it's more of an art of deception than a casual flick at the truth. Honesty never worked too well for me, friendships fall through when you tell a friend she's too needy, relationships crumble when you tell your other half he needs to slow down on the big macs, they're not helping his fitness regime much, I lie for comfort, I lie for my own safety.

So yeah, I'm sitting in this cramped office cube typing away at nothingness. I stare at the screen and muse over the irony that my name tag doesn't even say my own name. I've flitted in so many places, often squandering on other people's gullible ways to just get by, it's not always so straight forward but oh gosh, the rush I feel when someone swallows my sob story, the adrenaline which floods my veins when their eyes start to water and their faces crumple with sympathy, I can't stop myself from shooting my next dosage of lies into the silly sap who stumbles on my path. It's so exhilarating, I think my addiction's a healthy one, no one really gets hurt that much, except the old lady who baked the cookies and couldn't stop crying at my battle wound story [abusive step father, absent mother- gets them all the time].

I'm a good person, I know I am. I haven't ever littered or had a speeding ticket, there's no dead corpses in my boot and neither have a stolen anything which wouldn't be missed much. I'm a good person since I lie for public service, nobody really wants to know the truth really. I'm letting you hear what you want and it's entertainment for some, and a chance for others to sigh of relief at my woes and their fortunate lifestyle. I see the relief which flickers, maybe it's a millisecond thing but I see it. You're happy you're not me. Well, guess what stud? I'm happy you're not me either.

It's all good.

--------------

I don't know who she is, but her voice keeps talking in my head. I had to let her out.

obsessions

2009-09-12T23:18:00.002+01:00

From:http://zeethought.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/sharing-fabulous-obsessions/

• List five current obsessions.
• Pass the award on to five more fabulous blogs.
• On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.
• When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well.
• Don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by leaving a comment on their blog.

These are the rules but I'm super lazy&won't follow them except for the one where I have to list five obsessions. I'm sure I've done something similar to this but I'll do it anyways since I'm out of inspiration these days.

ONE

I'm pretty addicted to a couple of websites& I think I'll just include them as one- I'm going to prnt scrn my tabs just so you can see what I've usually got open nearly every time I'm online.

[I can't fix it so you can see :/ but they're tumblr/hotmail/gmail/youtube/ffffound]

TWO

Lately, I've become infatuated with anything related to dreams/imaginative ideas, I can ponder on my own thoughts for hours on ends just wondering on random concepts. I've always been a interested in what makes people tick&what they immediately think once they've come across something new/different. Maybe the two are interlinked- dreaming&reactions to what occurs to people :shrugs: I have no idea. I've got this annoying habit of asking friends what their reactions are to my words/actions, and I rarely ask them straight away. It's after a day or so&I'll remember that I want to know what they think of the situation. It's all weird, but that's me :)

THREE

Gosh, I'd have to admit &say food. I love eating& recently- cooking has become a fun thing to do. I'm not amazing at cooking nor very adventurous, but I really enjoy mixing& stirring in foodstuffs. It's thrilling to anticipate reactions [see, that again!] to my culinary skills, I'm not v.good but I do appreciate the experience of cooking& of course: eating! Thankfully, I have a super fast metabolism, so dieting is a foreign& unneeded word in my vocabulary.

FOUR

I'm intrigued by language &the effect it has in our lives, I suppose my ever fluctuating attitude towards my degree can be blamed on my interest in the intricately woven world of grammar& language. I really enjoy learning about it but I don't look forward to the amount of essay writing linked with it. Language has long been my bittersweet passion, some days I feel so frustrated by the vastness of the topic &other days: I just want to bask in its wondrous waves of knowledge. One of the reasons why I love Alice in Wonderland &An Abundance of Katherines is that they both explore the malleability of language, the flexibility& complete unpredictable nature of how we perceive things solely due to language. Fun stuff!

FIVE

This one's an embarrassing one but I'll mention it anyways, I really love fashion &clothes. I can spend hours flicking through catalogues just looking at pretty clothes, same goes for magazines- me&my mum will inspect every detail &discuss every little aspect. I'm also a huge of gofugyourself.com where two bloggers critique& cuss celebrities& their clothing, they're a little harsh but always humorous in their blogs- I love it! You'd think these people are earning in the thousands& they still struggle in what to wear.

There you have them- what are yours?

formspring

2009-09-08T00:22:00.005+01:00

formspring

Write anything to me in the box in that link : confessions/things you just randomly think of/questions/whatever

I want to test it out.

Thankyouuu

culinary skills&sacrifices

2009-08-22T23:55:00.003+01:00

The morning was lost in slumber, I awoke at 2pm with my mum's yells resounding in my ears. I usually sleep loads in Ramadhan so this is nothing new, lack of food is simply replaced by an abundance of sleep. The day started slowly since I'm nearly always dizzy when I've woken up from too many hours of lying horizontally, standing seems like a challenge so I waited for the bathroom on the steps in the passage way.

Ramadhan is a time of self control &sacrifice, both of which leaves me in a predicament as I'm reluctant to let things go willingly. I suppose even sleeping in is a means of avoiding the loss of my sacrificial lambs. I think I'm constantly tested during this time &I realise how much I'm heavily influenced by wrongs. The fact that the devil is shackled away only means that I'm imprinted with these actions regardless of the absent whisperings I can place blame in the other eleven months of the year.

Today has been blurry and slightly unfocused in terms of praying& being productive with my time. I started cooking pretty late which resulted to heavy critique to the chicken dish& my pie slightly less tasty. You learn from these hasty mistakes & can only hope for tomorrow to be a better day. Each time I cook &gain few brownie points in my culinary skills, I trip &lose a few the next time thinking I've already become a pro at mastering the art of Asian cuisine. Nevertheless, I have improved a little and this month should prove to be helpful as I'm in delegated to preparing the Iftari food every day.

Although today is only the first day of the month, I've already seen a little peek of what's in store. Judging from my weakness towards the end of the 16 hour fast, I think I'll be eating a bit more when we're up at the crack of dawn &try not to let my day waste away.

Here's to hoping.

rainy dreams

2009-08-24T23:57:00.002+01:00

I've had this window opened with the blank, white page out in front of me. I keep switching tabs from tumblr to my google reader only to avoid writing a blog post for today. All day, I've been composing sentences so i can write a post when i get some time and now that I'm in the study with the laptop, my brain is frozen and my fingers are refusing to type coherent words onto the page. I think now I've started I won't let myself wander aimlessly online.

I woke up reliving the most vivid dream I've had in a really long time. I usually flit between sequences of occurrences and random images in my dreams, faces and movements just float by and I wake up slightly disorientated on most mornings, but today's dream was mind blowing. the remnants of my dream kept flashing in my thoughts all throughout the day, I really had to get it down someplace where I'd look back and try to make some amateur interpretation of it.

I'm in a huge compound, it looks like a university or massive business corporation site where the buildings are grey and impressive.Grey slabs line the floor and abstract statues are scattered across the grounds, there's so little greenery or not any of it at all, I'm wondering around and I see people on their own routes to places I've not been to. I'm alone, I'm sure of that but I can see/sense people in a white van. Inside it are an assortment of people from my past&present, my best friend and her husband who's driving are sitting at the front. I just know that they're on the road to look for me, in the passenger seats are old room mates from 2004 and little cousins from up North. This strange combination of people does not really bother me and I don't question or frown at why they're even together in the van, no, what really puts me at unease is the caged space behind them. Steel bars separate the passengers and this large space which I instinctively know is for me to be imprisoned in.

I'm walking aimlessly on the grounds of this vast space when it just starts to rain. Torrents of raindrops splash and everyone's running inside for shelter, but not me. I stretch my arms forward and walk around, dazzled and amused by the rain. I let the droplets drench my clothes and with outstretched hands I catch the raindrops. I'm so happy and free, the rain continues to fall and in this dazed state I hear shouts of people calling me. I turn around and it's the passengers from the van running towards me.

Their faces are alarmed and concerned, I feel so unbothered at their shouts that i simply ignore them. They rush quickly towards me and take me to the van. I know that they're going to put me in that space behind the bars but I don't fight them, I just let them lead me and curl inside, the bars slam down and I see their faces fearful behind the steel bars. I'm confused but so tired that i don't even question anything, I just sleep.

In my sleep [in my dream] I dream that I'm reliving the rain, it's splashing and trickling onto my bare skin underneath my clothes. I feel so exhilarated at the feeling that nothing seems to matter anymore, I awake and see everyone's faces expectantly waiting. I tug at the bars as if to will them to be opened, my best friend turns around from the front seat and opens them. She smiles but says nothing, I just look at her and she moves from her seat to be seated next to me. She pulls me closer into an embrace and I fall asleep half leaning, half hugging her. While I'm there next to her, I can almost taste the fear which colours the faces in the van, there's a connection between me and the rain, it's almost as though I'm responsible for this torrential rain.

Somehow I wake from all this, when I got out of bed to wash away the sleepiness from my face I stepped infront of the window and saw that the skies had opened and it was raining.

ramadhan 09

2009-08-22T16:37:00.002+01:00

Ramadhan Mubarak to you all!

I leave you with two pieces of ahadith which bear better advice than I can ever offer:

The most beloved actions in the sight of Allah are the regular ones, even if they amount to little in quantity

(Bukhari, Muslim)

For everything there is eagerness, and for every eagerness there is a weakening (Tirmidhi)

Remember me&my family in your prayers.

19:34

2009-08-12T19:28:00.002+01:00

Every day is starting to feel the exact same to me, I wake up at a relatively consistent time of 11am, make myself presentable for my parents and go downstairs. Breakfast eaten and chores completed, I trudge to work. I feel so monotonous and nothing seems to interest me for long. Any bright new event is simply marred by the fact that by tomorrow I'll be reliving the same automatic routine again & again.

I don't feel upset or even the least bit angry at how my life is going, at the moment I'm just glad I haven't got the depressed tones I hear from my friends of being bored as they have nothing to do, I have a job which can be mildly amusing & enough chores to keep me on my feet. I wouldn't dare to tempt fate by saying I have nothing to fill my time with-it would be lying anyways since my mum always conjures housework from empty atoms. Clothes always need ironing or washing, the rooms never cease to be in dire need of a vacuum and bathrooms can never be scrubbed enough. I am content, I repeat it to instill its truth within me.

G.I JOE

2009-08-06T21:29:00.002+01:00

Snake Eyes from G.I JOE.

It's action packed and brilliantly cliched, watch it with someone whose company you love.

aliveeeee 2009

2009-08-01T23:44:00.002+01:00

Theme parks:

the whoosh of high speed rides,
the clanging of metal wheels on metal tracks,
high pitched screams,
exhiliarated adrenaline,
butterflies swooping in your stomach.

Sports cars:

sliding back and fro on leather seats
flickering houses pass you by
sweet sound of engine roaring below
excitement at the crazed rush you feel
anticipated luxury and movement

Arguments:

contradictory statements spewed over
heated, flushed skin
mind whirrs and whizzes instant comebacks
angry sparks electrify the room's tension
animated hand gestures

Yeah, the summer's good.

don't be sad#1

2009-07-29T17:54:00.003+01:00

Do not live in the nightmares of former times or under the
shade of what you have missed

Crossposted from drinkingraindrops.tumblr.com

witness

2009-07-25T00:02:00.002+01:00

You're walking into a large room, the lights are dimmed and flicker ever so slightly. Your eyes squint a little as they have come from the brightness of outside, you can't help but notice the smoky haze that seems to have enveloped the occupants of the room.

It's quiet but the comfortable silence you've never really understood well. Heads raise as you accidently slam the door on your way in, they nod in your direction absent mindedly, nobody seems to care much you're here, either way- you're a witness to what's to happen here.

coraline

2009-07-20T19:49:00.002+01:00

I adore this film
via: moviesinframes.tumblr.com

the skies tell me stories

2009-07-13T14:38:00.006+01:00

I love making little stories out of the images in the sky, it's so silly&childish but it amuses me that I have this imagination whirring frantically to fit words to the strange shapes I see in the sky.

The drive home was a long one and the skies were quickly colouring into the most gorgeous colours of pink and orange. Sunsets always fascinated me but the clouds were mesmerising, I saw a hunchbacked giant brandishing a bouquet of flowers, he's walking into the horizon with this gift of simple roses. The steps he takes are slow and calculated, there's meaning behind his walk towards his loved one.

I saw a petite woman in the skies, she had the cutest poodle who coincidentally was taking a shit underneath a tree. the winding branches served as an umbrella for her and her poodle. The lady's features were nondescript but her outfit made up for what she didn't have- a huge flowing dress accentuated her slim waist and brought out the copper colour of her curls. Life was a simple one, she walked her dog at the brink of sunset and ate at restaurants. Always at the same table.

The skies draw pictures with the cloud, the sun colours them and words formulate easily with these wondrous images.

energy

2009-07-07T19:27:00.001+01:00

It's so much energy NOT to do
some things

new outlet

2009-07-05T19:30:00.002+01:00

http://drinkingraindrops.tumblr.com/

Sometimes I have just little one sentence thoughts and feel like they're not blog worthy so I made a tumblr.

I hope you're all having a wonderful summer.

2 minutes

2009-06-27T21:59:00.003+01:00

tarnished memory
brilliant symmetry
expressive eyes
laughing cries

knifed edges
silly pledges
hurried conversations
forgotten recollections

jittery nerves
smooth curves
lazy smiles
turbulent trials

cream+butter
sweet as another
jack+jill
tumbling off the hill

anywhere but here

2009-06-26T13:43:00.003+01:00

it starts off with an ache, a niggling pain pushing through the hidden entities of your insides. it builds up fueled with passion as the minutes become hours, days flicker and calendar pages are torn out. this dreaded wait. this broken hope.

she eats to calm the blazing chaos inside her, the sweetness feels strange as it cannot comfort her like it used to. emptiness fills her only to give room to more space, this paradox confuses her so she forgets to think. the scorching heat torches her skin and hair but she refuses to move from the stone floor. anything but here, anyplace would be a better alternative.

stars twinkle, the night sky shadows all expectation. every home is illuminated by the bright lights of the city. a breeze brought forth sends shivers down her flimsy dress, she shudders but solemnly stays in a fetal position. nothing can change but everything is different. opposites yet so alike.

----------------------

I wrote this a month ago and it's been in my drafts just waiting to be published- I don't know what I was thinking at that moment in time when I wrote it, but I think it's fitting with the rain drizzling down the window panes.